Tulips, Peonies and Blackbirds

WW, why?

2011-04-07T17:16:00.000-07:00

joined weight watchers again, third week in, no weight loss, why? because i can't curb my damn cravings. how does one stop that 2 p.m. snack time/chocolate time craving? GRRRR!

political correctness = 1984?

2011-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

i'm kind of so sick of hearing about all everything that everyone does and people paying the consequences for things they do in their PERSONAL time. it feels like no one has any right to privacy anymore. between, email, texts, blogs and celebrity mags, everyone leaves a trail and anyone can have access to it. where do you draw the line? it's no wonder children don't see it as an issue to take a provocative picture of themselves and post it on twitter or fb or send it to a friend, they don't understand the concept of self censoring. if you recall the tattlers in the book 1984 wasn't exactly "big brother" but it was children against their parents and neighbor against neighbor. i don't think that political correctness is that far of a slippery slope from 1984. if you don't know what i'm referencing or why i'm off on this tangent, i'm talking about the man that was fired from his teaching job for posting a nude picture of himself to an adult website. he didn't use his name, or talk about the school he worked at and he was not targeting or looking for a child to reach out to him - this was an adult only website. yet he was fired from this for lack of moral conduct. the definition of morality is a lot like the definition of obscenity - they mean different things to different people and how does one impose their belief of these things on another without some sort of force? and where does it stop? it's not enough that the department of homeland security has slowly began stripping away the rights of americans under the pretense of "security and safety" but americans are walking around like sheeple, going about their daily lives like nothing is wrong and nothing has changed. we should be ashamed of ourselves. my gut says that this guy was reported because he is gay and the fear that gay men and women are contagious is still so widespread. the fact that you can loose your job for something you do outside of the confines of your place of work is just astounding to me. this goes for political leaders as well, do i find it slightly humorous when an outspoken anti-gay politician is caught with his "hand in the cookie jar" - yes i do! - but i find the fact that they always resign a sign of weakness and a sign that what they are/got caught doing embarrasses them and the only thing they can do is retreat from it. when that is not the case at all, if they could stand up for themselves and the cause i think they'd find that most people in general would respect them and (i'm not speaking for myself here, but my gay friends) i think that everyone who is gay can identify with the fear that comes with "coming out" or "being found out" and rather than shying away from it, face it with courage and dignity and you will find people will treat you as such. okay, i'm off the soap box now.

been a long time....

2011-03-31T08:10:00.001-07:00

Geez! Has it really been over 2 months since my last post!?!? Goodness, I’ve been so neglectful. Updates: Ran that Houston half, did well knocked over 40 minutes off my time from the year before. Just ran another half last Sunday and knocked 5 minutes off my time from January, so I am improving that is good news, a sign that all the hard work is in fact paying off. B and I went on a little mini vacation to Fredericksburg, stayed at Barron’s Creekside and we had a wonderful time…we will definitely be going back. Now, for those of you that have been to our house, you know that the backyard is a baron sand box with some sparse bits of grassy life dispensed throughout. Well, although B wanted to tackle this project himself, I knew we’d already bought loads of sand and tried to level things out ourselves and it seemed to be a waste of money and time. Therefore I convinced him to get some quotes from a few folks on leveling things out and they all suggested putting a drain in behind the garage (the lowest point of the yard) and I’m thrilled to say that we’re finally going to have this project started on next week. First the drain will be put in and the following week the leveling of the yard, tilling and laying of sod will take place AND with any luck we will have a lush green retreat in a month or two. Lastly, I have an opinion based questions for everyone. I initially wanted to plant a raised vegetable garden behind the garage with a little gate to keep the dogs out, it makes sense because that is where the compost bin is, however I have finally come to the realization that there isn’t enough sun back there to grow anything but shady vegetables, which are few – therefore, I’ve abandoned this idea until we get a bigger place with more backyard space. So as a compromise to myself, I’m using the clay pots and have planted some jalapeno, cilantro and cucumber plants, and I’m using the topsy turvey tomato hanger to grow some maters – BUT either birds or squirrels keep getting into my jalapeno and cucumber plants – how best to avoid this? Also, and this is my real question, we have a space a HUGE space behind the garage that is totally unutilized and I’m not sure what do to with it. The space is about 8’x8’ and as I said earlier not very well lit, so therefore not too conducive to planting. I thought about maybe putting some pavers back there and a couple of little chairs and a table or a bench to make it sort of a retreat style, but as I also said earlier the compost bin is there. So, we’re sort of at a loss as to what to do with all this extra space. Thoughts?

and today's word of the day is....FLU

2011-01-24T16:23:00.000-08:00

today, i'm finding it a bit difficult to be thankful as i am very sick, i believe i have the flu. so i'm sick and it's the week of the half-marathon, i don't want this to make any difference on my run time, i really want to finish in under 3 hours. plus, i hate being sick. i'm the WORST sick person in the world, because i loathe letting anyone take care of me. so, here it is the third day in my quest to "find something to be thankful for everyday" and i'm already struggling, ha! well, here it goes, i'm thankful for sick days as they make me that much more appreciative of my healthy, normal days.

odd

2011-01-23T19:13:00.000-08:00

so, i just took a quiz to find my "decorating style", because i'm not certain of all the types/styles out there and i'm not certain what category(ies) that i fit into, i only know that i like something when i see it. anyhow, i took this quiz on-line at thehomestylist and it classified me as folksycountry. wha? i don't see that at all!!! am i missing something? just because i like old furniture/antiques if you will, doesn't mean i'm country, does it? i like the LINES of old furniture, from EVERY era, mod, victorian, art deco....ugh. don't get me wrong,i like a lot of aspects of folksy type decor too, the sort of mismatched looks with beautifully placed clutter works well when someone knows what they're doing...but country, not me. no how, no way, not me. never.

today's thought

2011-01-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

i'm thankful for sunday mornings. because sunday mornings my husband always makes breakfast and coffee and serves me while i'm still in bed. he then joins me and we lounge in bed drinking coffee and eating whatever deliciousness he has made. it's great quality time and very, very sweet of him.

direction, purpose and strength

2011-01-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

goodness. it's really been some time since my last post, but i assure you it is with good reason.

i guess i should start this post out with the obvious, the new year, new things to accomplish. i looked at last january's post and noticed a lack of this post, so i've nothing to compare it to which in most instances is a good thing.
1) spend more quality time with brent, on a romantical level, but also on that hang-out friendship level. after all, we did start out as friends.

2) try to be thankful and acknowledge a new and different thing/aspect of my life everyday. - who knows i may even turn this into a daily/weekly post. today i am thankful for my my mother nature, it is simply a beautiful day, clear skies and dare i say, breathable air!?!?

3) have more patience with myself, and others. those of you who know me best, know that my time schedule moves much faster than most, sometime to my detriment.

4) be happy, i mean really happy with my body, but not to make this an obsession. now that i've done one half-marathon and have another on the horizon, i am no longer afraid of running and in fact, I quite enjoy it. i've begun to eat very very well sun-fri, thus allowing the opportunity to eat horribly on saturdays. because of these changes, my weight and body have changed, for the better. so this year, i want to tone-up, and maybe be able to wear bikini bottoms when b and i finally take our honeymoon/2-year anniversary trip this october. the key for me is finding the balance of must do this vs. borderline obsession with it.

5) learn and absorb as much knowledge at my new job as possible. polish/perfect my good managerial skills and learn new and improved ones as well. i want my employees to be as happy with me as i am with them. i want to be able to find that perfect balance of motivation and direction, without interfering with their natural ability to come up with keen ideas and innovations of their own.

6) decide already! about having a baby, that is, one day it's "yes, we must have one" and the next it's "i cannot imagine having one more thing in my/our lives to have to do or deal with!" so yeah, thats a pretty heavy decision, one not to be taken lightly.

7) mend broken fences. i feel that perhaps there are relationships i have or had, that have suffered due to ignorance, stubbornness, stupidity or plain old selfishness, either on my part or the part of the other party, sometimes even both parts. i'd like to be able to open myself up to these people again, if they'd have me. i have a flaw in that i love people to a fault, but i can only take so much, so much lying, drama, bs, one-sidedness and when i've had enough i just cut you out. it's just easier than acknowledging that this person is a bad friend or is not good for me or that i may not be the best judge of character. but i need to realize that maybe sometimes I am the bad friend/person/character. the trick to number seven is knowing how to take the first step, see for me the fear is that while i've been contemplating, missing, and wondering about them, they still want nothing to do with me. so is it better to stay hidden and unhurt, or better to lay it all out there and say it was worth a try?

8) spend more time with the ladies in my life. i know we say this all the time, but i mean it. i realize that life can and does get in the way, but it doesn't have to, if we are a priority to one another (and you are to me!) then it's just a matter of finding the best time, and once every three months is better than never at all!

9) church. i've been debating, for some time now about attending church services. but i've grown so tired of the hypocrisy and looking down their noses at me. but the fact of the matter is, i need some direction and purpose in my life, and i feel that church can give that to me. my friend jill and her husband and child attend church, and it's a church they rave about, i'm hoping to make it out there soon to judge for myself.

10) volunteer work. yes, i'm already very busy, as are most folks. but again, i need some direction and purpose in my life, and this is a good way to go about it. giving back truly does feel good, and its good for society as a whole. marx may have been right about conflict bringing on change, but parsons was right about the fact that order in society is needed and there can be no order when people are suffering. so i'd like to find a way to help in that regard.

that is all. perhaps i'll return tomorrow with my thankful post.

so many updates so many changes.

2010-11-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

First, I celebrated my last day at former place of employment on 10/08/2010. While I’d only been at that law firm for about a year, I’d been with that employer for over 10 years. I don’t miss working in that environment, but I do miss some of the people. Working with people for that long, people tend to become part of your family, heck a few of them were at BOTH of my weddings, ha! Another thing I noticed shortly after starting my new job, was that I’m not in a bad mood nearly as much, the days of me coming home crying have ceased, AND I really do believe that for women, there is a hormone when you are stressed that makes you bloated, because two weeks after leaving I was out of the 150’s and fitting into my size 8’s.

Next, the hubby and I celebrated our one year anniversary. In a fashion that was a perfect summary of our first year – we had a beautiful restaurant picked out – though they failed to inform us that the main dining room was booked and thus we’d be served dinner while in the attic, very VC Andrews. Though to be fair, the attic served as an “art gallery” of sorts, so we were surrounded by various forms of tribal art and a desk with a PC and a phone, which kept ringing and the speaker phone kept buzzing. The food was amazing, and the service, despite being in the nosebleed seats was wonderful as well. We then made an impromptu trip to a club, it was all very “night at the roxbury” but fun nonetheless and all in all, a perfect beginning to our second year of marriage. I couldn’t be happier and more in love if I tried. I’ve come to realize that I am so so very lucky (though I know I don’t act like that all the time, nor do I remember how lucky I am all the time) – regardless, I am truly so lucky. My husband is truly my other half, my counterpart, my lighthouse, my puzzle piece and in the game of life, he is my blue peg. Thank you B, thank you for a wonderful first year of marriage, for a wonderful 5 years and I look forward to the rest of our lives together. I just have one thing to ask, please do not make me sit through another brain surgery. Thanks.

Moving on to the new job – it’s great. I’m still learning many aspects of the job, as well as the different ways to manage. The things I find wonderful is that we have a great team of staff members, they really want to do well and want to see things get back on track. I have to admit it’s a bit scary not having the safety net of a big company, or the job security that I always had with K, but I’m so happy that I took the leap. I only hope that I continue to feel this way.

Lastly, it’s time for my annual school update. This semester is almost over, thank goodness! I took 4 classes again, and that with the job moved proved to be a bit more than I originally anticipated, regardless I’m sticking it out! I’ve registered for next semester, again taking four classes – Minorities in America, Deviance & Social Control, Sociology of Culture and Human Resource Management – one is an online course and another is a Saturday class (ugh!). These classes sound so interesting, but also sound like A LOT of reading!!! After completing this semester I will have only one year left of classes, unless I can somehow manage to do 4 classes in the summer and 5 in the fall, which is doubtful. Anyhow, the best news is this, I’ve been asked to join Pi Gamma Mu – the International Honor Society in Social Sciences!!! My mom and B are going to be so proud.

Anyhow, sorry for the lack of previous blogs and the length of this one, I’ll try to do better from here on out.

finally, its happened to me

2010-09-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

After months, really over a year of looking for a job on the DAILY - I have found one. And one that is on my career path! I couldn't be more excited and scared to death!

Since accepting the position and putting in my two weeks' notice, the seriousness and overwhelming fear has set in. What if I fail, what if I have over-valued my expertise and abilities and I fall flat on my face!?!?! The fear of entering an entire new world, that I know very little about. It's a fear that I'm sure is within anyone upon moving jobs and careers, let alone one that they've been in for over 10 years!

Of course, I have no choice but to break through this fear and face it head on! And I am trying, hard to do that, mostly because I really don't know what I'm getting into and won't until I get there. Until then it's books like First Time Manager and Office Manager for Dummies will be occupying what spare time I have.

modest mouse

2010-09-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

i'm all for freedom of speech. i believe it and i realize that it is difficult to pick and choose just what is considered free speech. in these times, there is hate speech (racial or against GLBT), and sexual harassment in the form of speech and one that is most definitely not spoken of too often is religious hate speech. though, now, it seems to be on every news station and every paper in the country, because one man, one church believe that it is their right to burn the religious book of another faith. what happened to equality for all? and not labeling an entire group of people as extremists because of what a very small percentage of people of that same religion have previously done? if this is how we practice things here, than by that same logic there should be no male catholic priests, ever, because they are ALL child molesters, right? and all baptists ministers are thieves all steal from their congregation. and all mormons practice polygamy, right? OBVIOUSLY we know these things NOT to be true! so, why can we as a nation give other religious leaders and religions that are considered "home based religions" the benefit of the doubt and understand that a few to don't mean many, and definitely do not mean all, but we seem unable to do this for the muslim religion? why?

no one in this nation would stand for the burning of the bible or the book of mormon, correct? so, how it is acceptable for the burning of the qur'an?

a few other things i'd like to point out:

it's not even a mosque they want to build in NYC, it's a freakin' community center! pretty much the equivalent of a YMCA.

the muslim faith and it's followers are NOT all extremist in nature!

doing things like this is just going to make us look more ignorant and intolerable than we already do. it will just make things worse. can we not put the matches down and come sit down at the table and act like grown-ups?!?!?! this country came about because of the want and desire for freedom of religion, well that and not wanting to pay taxes. but still, the freedom of religion is a pretty big foundation of our nation.

president obama said - "If he's listening, I hope he understands that what he's proposing to do is completely contrary to our values as Americans. That this country has been built on the notion of freedom and religious tolerance." - couldn't have said it better myself.

you spin me right round

2010-09-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

Yup, 31 years ago today, I was born. It's been a crazy year, first the wedding, then the holiday's then B got laid off, then the medical issue and we are here again. So I decided to take a trip down memory lane, review my post from last year and see how far (ahead or behind) I've come.

Last year at this time I was focusing on the wedding and all the activities around that. Well those went beautifully.

Last year I had 22 classes remaining, today I'm at 13 (not including the 4 I'm taking this semester)! I did indeed bump my hours up from 9 to 12 and took both summer sessions. I am still hoping to be done in December 2011, but that will require me taking 5 classes one semester, and 4 in the summer, I just do not know if I can do that. I am going to try, but if I can't, I know I'll be done in May of 2012.

This time last year, I was training for my first half-marathon. Well, I did it, it took me 3 hours and 10 minutes. AND I signed up for another one, back into training and doing between 3 and 4 miles 4 times a week, plus some strength training twice a week. I did get a bike a Fuji 2.0, though I've not really had much of a chance to ride it, so the MS-150 will be out for at least another year. BOO!

I was also looking for a new job last year, that hasn't changed. I'm still looking and hoping that something will pan out soon.

it's time

2010-08-10T06:35:00.001-07:00

it's time i talk about it. i must purge these emotions and thoughts from my system before they enter the deepest darkest parts of my soul and release their poison into me, forever scarring me.

b is doing well, better than i, and even the doctors expected. but he still has his good days and his bad days. yesterday, my first day back at the office, was a bad day. and he finds himself frustrated with his progress, or in his words "lack of progress". seeing him like that, angry, bitter and vulnerable, is horrifying. it is during these moments that i remember that i could have lost him forever, and i remember to thank the lord and to remind myself and b just how lucky we are and how grateful we should be.

the thought of loosing him, was something i never fully allowed myself to think about, not truly, not in its entirety, with its bottomless pit of despair. i couldn't fully allow myself to think it for fear that even thinking it could make it happen. it's funny how when we are faced with situations that are out of our control, we become people who pray religiously or the "superstitious type" - well i was both and i assure you i did not step on any cracks and my hands remained firmly within one another's grasp.

so by allowing myself to think about it now - now that it has past and he is here with me, where he belongs - helps me stand even stronger and makes me want to fight harder and longer for him, and for us than ever before. because i know, i know, in my bones that he is my soul mate, he is my lobster, he is me and i am him. while we do not define one another, i would be lost and incomplete without him. i cannot imagine life without him and i know that while i could have gone on, it wouldn't have been a life, it would have been one meaningless day after another.

years from now, when we look back on our first year of marriage, i hope we will be able to laugh at all we went through. and i know that this year, this rough start we've been given, i know it will allow us to weather all the other storms that will surely come.

so thank you, lord, God, almighty powers that be, the Goddess, the Buddha the whomever, whatever you are. thank you for giving him, me and us another chance.

these parts make a whole.

2010-08-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

in response to dana's challenge, here are my seven things.

1. when i was in grade school, i was in a spelling bee contest. i made it to the city finals, one of the last five. i lost on "cornucopia", i believe i placed an "A" or "I" where the "U" is. give me a break, i was 8 or 9. GEEZ!

2. i'm too afraid to go a therapist because, what if all the things i've successfully buried and forgotten about won't stop coming out and i have a nervous breakdown.

3. i wonder if i will ever experience complete and total happiness. by that i mean, that there isn't one thing in my world that i'm not not happy with. i'm sure they call that place heaven.

4. i want kids, but i'm afraid that i'll fail on some awesome level and that i'll find out that i really can't hack it as a parent and i'll be that mom that runs off.

5. my childhood career dreams were, veterinarian, child psychologist, attorney, international business trader and fashion designer. i had totally forgotten about the fashion designer part, until my mom unearthed some of my "sketches" and i must say that i wasn't bad, in fact at least three of the dresses i sketched, i've seen designed by various houses over the last ten years.

6. when i played "doctor" as a child, i never did it with a boy, it was always with my girl friends. is that creepy, or just a sign of things to come?

7. while there are many things on my "bucket list", really the one thing i want to do, the most important thing to do before i die is find my half brother and sister. my biological father was married before my mom, he had two kids a boy, name charles and a little girl, both were taken away by the state of florida because of my father and his first wives drug use. charles was about 10 and the little girl was just about a year old. i have a brother out there somewhere, who is about 40 and a sister who is about 32. i know nothing other than their parents' names, and their approximate dates of birth, and two pictures. i wanted to do this before my grandmother died, but it proved much more expensive and much more difficult than i anticipated.

THE END!

never truly happy

2010-07-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

as all women know, we are never truly happy with our hair. either the color is all wrong, or the length is too short, but then when it's too long, we tend to just keep it tied back. ugh.

luckily, my color is great, so that's that the problem. the length is fine, well save for the fact that i had it cut right above my shoulders a couple months ago and it tends to the "50's flip" so i have to wait for it grow out.

this is kinda the look that i'm wanting.

but, given b's recent surgery and the fact that he had to shave his head and get 45 staples. i'm feeling i may want to do something a bit drastic, as a sign of solidarity. yes, i realize he's not going to have to chemo or anything like that, but it's a small sign of love. if he has to shave his head, i can cut all my hair off. what's a bit nerve-wracking about this thought, is that i've never really gone this short, intentionally. i mean yes, i did shave my head in high-school, but the first time i did that was because i fried my hair, and no hair was better than mo-hair! ha! i love this cut! anyhow, not sure if i can pull this off though. i've lost some weight so i'm not as "chunky" in the face as i have been.

totally OT. but i'm really sick of the rejections. you'd think with all the meetings i've had over the last year, i'd be used to it by now. but i'm not. and the thing i don't get, is they always seem to love me. don't get me wrong, i've had bad meetings before and i expect NOT to hear from them and i don't. but more often than not, i walk out thinking that went really well, we clicked and this could turn out wonderfully. it's those folks that come back and say "we are really impressed with your background and your skill set and after meeting with you, are even more impressed with who you are, and have no doubt that you could do a great job for us. however, at this time we've decided go with other candidates that better fit our needs." i mean, what does that even mean!?!?!?!

so i end up feeling worse about myself, feeling more stuck and suffocated than before. and wondering why even bother. i know i shouldn't complain, but i'm a woman, so i will!

bloggedyblogblog

2010-07-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

well, well, well. i'm still not ready to fully disclosure the emotional ups and downs of the past 5 days, so more inspiration it is.

i found these fab pics over at desiretoinspire.net

I wouldn't do this myself with our fireplace, but i like it.

me likey this kitchen.

check-it, they took those ikea pasta things that we have and under mounted it to an island. brilliant!

me likey this stove. reminds me of the ones they have at elmirastoveworks.com, if you haven't seen those, do yourself a favor and check them out.

on another note, i am going to paint the living room a pale grey color and have decided thanks to dana's agreeing with me, i'm also going to paint the fireplace mantel a dark slate gray. i cannot wait for the contrast and will post pics as soon as it's done.

avoidance

2010-07-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

in my best effort to turn my thoughts away from thursday. i'm posting about couches. most of you know, that i love couches. and i've been on the hunt now for a new one for a while. but i have high standards. it must be comfy and roomy, but it must be aesthetically pleasing, mainly to me because i have to look at it daily. anyhow, my dream couch looks like "mod-vintage-chic", and it's been tough to find a couch that meets these criteria, until now. i found these beauties last weekend and took mr. b to look at them yesterday, he agrees that they are indeed comfy, but is partial to the first one, and i am partial to the second one. so, what to do, what to do?

this is from crate & barrel. it's 100% eco friendly materials (huge selling point!) and it comes in a beautiful color called graphite. not to mention, it has the narrow arms of mod-type furniture. it measures, 93" w, 46"d. and b LOVES it. the custom color would make delivery time a bit longer. the only thing i don't like about this sofa is the fact that it isn't "open" at the bottom.

this is from z gallerie and this is my favorite. it meets the mod-vintage-chic look, but it is super comfy as well! it measures 96"w, 40" D and the stock color is perfect, so we wouldn't have to wait longer to actually get the sofa.
so you see my dilemma, right? i mean the first one is more warm and great for family and kids, the second one while super comfy may not seem as inviting as the first one. i'm open to any thoughts and suggestions.

the best message

2010-07-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

so i got this message on fb from a girl i went to high school with. we were an unlikely pairing, as far as friendships go. i know it may be hard for you to imagine but i wasn't always so cool and popular(insert large amounts of sarcasm here). i ran with the kids folks called the "lunch box kids" kids who got french fries thrown at them and made fun of for the different colored hair, different clothes and different music. well this girl and i had drill team together, she was apart of the "cool crowd" and she and i became friends. Gosh, could i sound more like an after-school special!?!?!

she had a rather rough upbringing, they were not so well off with 4 kids in the house, her step-mom was not such a nice person. she was VERY well developed and so she got a ton of attention from boys that she didn't know how to handle, so she did the typical thing which is to believe that they really liked her. she ended up pregnant and the father went to jail, shortly after for dealing. she and i fell out of touch because she went to live with her mom and had a baby. well, i got this message from her today. wow. i cried, i'm still crying. it's crazy to think that one simple, small act can really make a difference in someones life. God does work in mysterious ways, I needed this message today, I needed to know that I make a difference. Thank you for that.

"I know this may seem strange, but remember when I was 16 and pregnant and was contemplating suicide and you called my mom. There are some things going on with my daughter that reminded me of that. Thank you caring enough to tell someone."

how soon is now?

2010-07-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I read blogs, a lot of blogs. The one’s you see listed to the right here are just the tip of the iceberg. I read decorating blogs, gardening blogs, homemade bread/baking blogs. I love getting decorating ideas and new things to cook/bake. But I’ve found myself wondering, how some of these folks do it all? Most of these blogs are my men/women who are happily coupled up, some are married with kids, some are committed with pets and some are just lovely singles. And of course, most, if not ALL of them are awe inspiringly artistic, and they make it seem so effortless. So let me get this straight, (talking to the writers of said blogs) you’re stylish, cute, sweet, inspirational, a mom/dad, writer, poet, artist, clothier, etc. AND you have time to exercise and cook/bake and work and go on vacations!?!?!?

And that my friends, is the real root of this post, the vacations. I’m not just talking a road trip (not that I don’t LOVE me some road trips) but I mean real life, LONG vacations to destinations far far away. Places that make me say “I want to go to there!” I see all these folks taking trips to far a-way lands and I wonder, how? I mean how do they do it? How do they have it all, the time, energy and MONEY to do all of it!?!?! Most of them have houses, especially the decorating ones, and obviously most of our money goes to our house. But gosh, it’s hard not to feel a bit behind in all of it? When do B and I get there, to the point where it’s not a big thing to take a long, somewhat lavish vacation? I’m not talking a spot at the most exclusive hotel in vegas/la/ny/paris. I mean some hole-in-the-wall join in Santorini (not that there are really hole-in-the-walls there), or a flat above a bar, any bar in Cork County, something like that. How do they have it all and make it seem so effortless and I feel like I’m holding it all together, with some dental floss and a paper clip, it must be the artist in them. Bravo folks, bravo, I can’t even tell which was the brush went.

Houston Craigslist Furniture Finds

2010-06-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

I love perusing craigslist. Who doesn't? Anyhow, I found some of the greatest stuff and if I was going to do some massive redecorating, I'd buy all of these things:

1950's antique TV w/new color tube

1960's Mod round table and two end tables

and my personal fav! the
Vintange Sears console radio/record player

soap box, or should i say oil box?

2010-06-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

I've kept mum on this subject, because it angers me so, and mainly because I cannot watch the videos or see the images or hear the lies coming from those at fault or the people that are supposed to represent us mouths'.

The reality of what we have done and continue to do to this beautiful planet is so heavy on my heart. So I gave in today, after the weeks of hearing of dead sea turtles and dolphins washing up, an infant whale was found dead and before I even searched out for images of the disaster, tears came to my eyes. And knowing that even me and my family, small as it may be, our personal reliance on oil is partially to blame for this tragedy. And it makes me feel so sick, selfish and terribly ashamed.

The $20 billion dollar "donation" from BP is laughable. The cost of this disaster is more far reaching than that. Lets take a look at the list shall we: (1) loss of livelihood in those that make a living as fisherman and shrimping (2) the restaurant owners who have or will have to shut down because of the lack of fish and shrimp (3) the people who will loose their jobs because of this (4) the kids who will not be able to go to college because their dad or mom lost their job because of this (5) the beautiful creatures that have lost their lives to this (6) the other animals that live off of the animals that have died and will continue to die will also suffer long term (7) those men who lost their lives on that rig (8) the people that are volunteering to help clean up this mess are being exposed to toxins and dangerous efforts (9) and lastly, the long term environmental effects of which we have no way of knowing how far they will reach or how long it will last.

Was the "dead zone" in the gulf during the summer months not enough of a warning sign here? How about the astronomical melting of the glaziers and the fact that polar bears are dwindling. How we, ourselves, as animals, are becoming rodent and cockroach like every-day. And why aren't Americans talking about this? Only those that live in the areas affected are saying anything. The complacency of this nation is admonishing to say the least. And people wonder why I say I'm not sure if I want children. It's already depressing enough knowing that your kid can't play in the front yard, or walk next door without a security detail. Environmentally speaking, I don't want to have to explain to my children what a polar bear was and why they went away. The fact that a species has to have not been seen for 12 years before it's declared extinct is a ludicrous thought. But, now I'm off topic and worked up.

So with the Louis Armstrong song in my head, I will continue to do my best to donate to wildlife relief efforts around the world and of course the BP clean-up effort. But my part in all of this is not lost on me. I am now going back to vegetarian, nary a fish shall pass these lips. I'm already doing Green Mountain clean energy thing, as well as the planet bag thing and the seventh generation thing, organic foods and clothes and of course recycling, I'm lost as to what more I can do, but I will find it, I will find out.

Man, when perfected, is the best of animals; but when isolated he is the worst of all; for injustice is more dangerous when armed, and man is equipped at birth with the weapons of intelligence, and with qualities of character which he may use for the vilest ends. Wherefore if he have not virtue he is the most unholy and savage of animals, full of gluttony and lust. -- Aristotle, Politics

little b is about to be a big B

2010-06-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

ha! b is looking to trade up or in, as the case may be. he is getting a new, i've worked hard for my $$$ car, a new altima. we test drove on saturday and alls i can say is me likey! haha. i'm very proud of him and very happy for him.

we are scheduled to see the neurosurgeon next week, for the finalization before the surgery, which will be 07/22/10. yikes. trying NOT to think about it and just live, ya know, l-i-v-i-n. but in this case, this is definitely one of those things that is constantly in the back of your mind. since i've never been here before, i can only compare it to the anxiety one feels when waiting for the + or - sign on the EPT test or them STD results (NOT now, I'm speaking of them mid-twenties, we've all been there!) But b, being the wonderful man that he is, is taking all this on with surprising strength and a good case of the 'whatever will be will be' attitude. boy, i wish i had that.

thunder cats are go.

2010-06-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

well, sort of. the big day is potentially set for 07/22/2010. waiting on the docs to work it all out and schedule all the stuff. it's suddenly all very very real and no less terrifying.

the dishes are done, man.

2010-05-31T17:09:00.000-07:00

okay, maybe not the dishes, but the dining room is finally painted! i was gonna go with a color called warm flannel grey, but i decided on this antique purple and this is out it turned out!

(props to my husband for also hanging the new blinds, 7 of them!)

(yes, that is from target!)

(these too are from target, well not the doves, those were a wedding gift)

now, all we need are curtains and a rug. then we are painting the living room, something called antique silver, a sort of grayish white color.

Oh, we’re half-way there

2010-05-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that it is almost June! The older I get the faster time seemingly slips away. Summer school starts June 1, and what is different about this session is that BOTH B and I will be in school! I’m so proud and excited for him.

B is loving his job and according to him, “there is life after wal-mart”. I am so thrilled not only that he landed somewhere, but that he landed somewhere he is happy, somewhere he can utilize his skill set, but learn new skills as well. And once he’s completed his degree, I believe he will feel that much more fulfilled.

I resumed my fitness regimen last week, after 3 months off! It was a rough start - running for no more than a half-mile at a time. Mya is happy to be back on the road though, she LOVES to run, but it’s so hot out there, I have to be mindful of when I take her out with me. So, in an effort for her to not feel left out I’ve made a couple of trips to the gym and forgot how good it feels to get a well-rounded work out it. I love running and it’s a great stress-reliever but, at the gym I can get a run in, a bike ride, work on my arms and legs via weights, do medicine ball crunches and some serious stretching and time for planks. I did 80 crunches yesterday, and held my plank for 25 seconds. Now, I realize that is no 30 push-ups (dana!) I’m working up to it. And what’s even more motivation is that given my, uhm, procedure on Monday, my stomach is pretty flat and not bloated and I lost a few pounds. I’m trying to keep it up.

B and I are having a date-night on Friday, going to the rockwood room and SO looking forward to it, not only the food and a new place, but a night out with my honey. It’s been a while, normally our Friday nights are spent in the house, I make dinner and we watch some TV from the week that we missed.

I’m also planning on this three-day weekend to FINALLY paint the dining room, which also means re-decorating it. Not by much, just some new curtains and definitely a new rug!

I’m hoping to see my ladies soon, a game night or dinner/drinks something would be wonderful. I miss you all.

missing out.

2010-05-07T06:07:00.000-07:00

so, the semester is just about done, save for one final i have left. to reward myself i went to XXI on wedensday, specifically looking for this:

gosh, isn't that gorge and it looks super comfy too!!! but they didn't have it in the store, online only. and while i was there, i saw all this super cute 80's revisited stuff. and i was reminded of how i have now missed out on those fashions twice, see the first 80's i was really too young to make my own fashion decisions - seeing as how i was 9/10 when the 90's came in, and now that some of these things have made their way back around, i'm too old for these things. so, why do i care? because i too, want to run around in a tulle skirt with leggings and a body suit with a midriff top on, ala carrie style. okay, maybe nix the body suit and the midriff top, but dammit i want a tulle skirt!!!!

anyhow, i think i'll be getting this jumpsuit. thoughts?

in other news, my hair - i'm finally thrilled with it! on dbear's advice, i bought some bb product, not the beach stuff, but the spray lotion. i lurve it!!! love how it tones down the flyaways and it makes my hair straight and shiny!!! so about 7 more inches (ha!, that's what she said) and i'll be thrilled and i'm so diggin' the color, thanks erock!

totha.

2010-04-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

a little update on things for you all.

b. he is doing well on his new meds, he is much happier with the new rx. none of those other issues, now he only has to combat being tired, but he's discovered the beauty of earl grey at 2 p.m.

school. this semester is nearing the end, thank goodness! i passed my last stats test with a b, giving me an overall b in the class, so that is one less final i have to take. i'm done with my tech writing class too, no final there either. only have to finish up my research paper on "the benefits of harm reduction and legalizing drugs" and a final in that class. and then a final in my understanding child abuse and neglect class - oh - the paper i did for that class "Who is responsible for child abuse and neglect in each of its forms and how can each cause potentially be prevented and treated?" - well apparently the prof was so impressed by it he asked to publish it for the class (it's an on-line course) and he asked to pass if he could pass it to some of his colleagues and at upcoming child abuse prevention conventions. needless to say, i'm elated at the prospect of "the powers that be" reading this paper. hey, sometimes you have to toot your own horn!

work. well, nothing has changed here. in fact, it keeps getting worse. it's a horrible thing to have worked with someone for so long and feel such contempt for that person. and to never know if and when someone is telling the truth. i'm desperate to find another job. so if you know of anything, send them my way!

friends. my friends keep inspiring me. many of them have had some amazing things happen as of late - new house for instance, new job/internship, being amazing moms. i only wish i could see you all more.

Paciencia y Fe

2010-04-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

Patience and faith. I’m finding myself having to given in to these two little things more and more as of late. As you may or may not know, b will be having surgery at some point, probably about 6 months. So, on one hand it’s great news that it doesn’t have to be removed right away. On the other hand, I will be sitting with the knowledge for the next 6 months that at some point, any point, b could have a seizure or a stroke or even die from this thing in his brain. And that at the end of the road is him going under the knife. Just the thought of him having part of his skull removed and someone going in there with a knife and removing part of his brain is a terrifying thought. The thought of what if the neurosurgeon sneezes or coughs, just one little slip could be detrimental. Not to mention that the location of the cavernoma is in the personality portion of his brain, so there is a small chance that he could come out a totally different person.

While the thought of surgery and an end to this situation gives b piece of mind, I can do nothing but think of the worst. And I find myself thinking that I should really take the time in the next 6 months to be with him and spend more time with him and cherish what we have, really really focus on it. Because in 6 months he could not be here, in 6 months he may be alive but he may not be the b I know, the one I fell in love with, in 6 months our worlds could change forever. And of course there is the thought, that I haven’t allowed myself to say out loud, and I can’t even type it here, but there is the chance that something MAJOR could go wrong. But as I said, I cannot really even allow myself to think about that.

So here are some numbers for you, by order of least importance to the most important thing in the world to me:

907 unread emails at work

200 items on the “to do” items at work

13 voicemails to return

8 personal emails to respond to

4 school assignments left

3 weeks left in this semester

1 b, the only one for me.

It ain't rocket science, it's brain surgery

2010-04-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

so it's official b has a mass in his brain, they are almost positive that is what caused his seizure early Wednesday morning. we have an appointment with a neurosurgeon on monday at 1 p.m. and to say i'm terrified would be an understatement. while they're almost positive it is not a tumor, we are still having to see a neurosurgeon. which makes me believe that the er doc and possibly the neurologist that consulted on b at the er believes that this must come out of b's brain and rather promptly, since we were told me must see one with in 3-5 days of his discharge. i looked up the word "cavernoma" as that is what they are sure it is, and everything i have found says that they fairly normal, it is estimated that about 1/2 the population has them and they never cause any issues. however, for those that do have issues, like seizures, it appears that those cavernoma's are more "active" than others and it is advisable to have them removed as they could begin to bleed out, although, the estimated blood leak is much less than that of an aneurysm.

b is handling all of this rather well, or at least he is on the outside. taking in stride that now he has to take anti-seizure medication, probably for the rest of his life, that has got to be difficult for a man who doesn't even like to take aspirin when he's got a headache. also handling well the fact that he can not drive, well at least until we hear from the neurosurgeon. one thing i am pleased with is that he seems to be more dedicated to quitting smoking than i've seen him before.

and boy, you would be surprised at the thoughts that so quickly pass through your head when you are watching the person you love most in the world suffer, and you'd be even more surprised by the content of these thoughts. my first thought was "but we haven't even had kids yet" quickly followed by "it's not fair, i'm not ready to be without him" followed up with me thinking the worst of the worst possible scenarios and terri schiavo came to mind. and yes i realize how grim that is, but i had no idea what was happening.

and yes, i realize there is no point in worrying about the potential end results, given that there could be so many. but it is really difficult for me not to think of the millions of ways my poor b could be affected by this, so far it's only been the medication and the driving. but if we are talking brain surgery, that is a whole other list of potentials that i am nowhere near ready to face.

speaking words of wisdom...let it be.

2010-04-12T06:02:00.001-07:00

Post Secret. I'm not sure how many of my readers read that blogsite too, but I find it sort of cathartic to do on Monday morning's while drinking my coffee. This morning I saw one that made me stop my scroll wheel. "My greatest desire is to love my life as I'm living it."

All I can say is wow.

I spend so much of my day griping, b*tching and moaning about one thing or another; how tired I am from work and school - HEY BUDDY - at least I have a job and I have the opportunity to go to school!; how disgusted I am with one aspect of my body or another - HEY BUDDY - you're healthy and you've got a great man who loves you no matter what!; how I wish I had or made more $$$ - HEY BUDDY - at least you have some money and make a decent living oh and yeah, you've got luxuries like a house and a car and more than one pair of shoes and clothes and food to eat on the daily and you can still afford to donate to charitable causes of your choice!

So yeah, all in all I guess my life is pretty grand. That is not to say that I will stop striving for better, but as the quote says "love my life as I'm living it." WOW!

inspiration.

2010-04-06T12:17:00.001-07:00

I finally decided on a color to paint the dining room. It's called Antique Purple, and it is devine! The perfect mix of purple and gray, so I will get my purple dining room and b will not really notice that it's a purple dining room! Here is a sample of the color...or pretty close to it:

So, now time to decorate this piece. I love the idea of white/purple or gray/purple and black,white/purple. But given that this is a pretty gray color, and the dining room furniture is dark wood, I think I may have to lighten it up a bit with the curtains and rug and accessories. So, I'm thinking about these curtains:

B/W Damask

Gray Velvet

Eggplant

Or do I go with just plain white curtains? Thoughts?

long weekend....

2010-04-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

it was easter weekend, which means good friday, which means three day weekend. given that i was so ill last week, i debated going into the office on friday, for about 5 minutes and then remembered how difficult it's been there, and i decided to take the day off. easter weekend always brings me back to being a child, and it sort of saddens me that i no longer am at a church. catholicism and i parted ways many years ago, as has most organized religion and i. that is not to say that i am not aware of the "gap" in my life. i'm fully aware of whats missing and it's faith. faith brings hope and it makes everything nice and shiny. it makes you believe in the good in humanity and love to all living things. i'd love to feel that again, my heart is open to it. am i far to cynical to accept it, though? am i too far gone a skeptic to truly believe? we shall see, i'm planning on attending some church services soon, i'm not sure just where yet. until then, have a little faith, eh?

spring cleaning

2010-04-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

my system that is. wowzers. i just got over what i'm sure is the worst. case. of. stomach flu. ever! i never want to feel like that again. it hurt so bad, at one point i grab b's hand and said "if this is what child birth is like, count me out!" for seers. no dice. but i'm back. i'm 30 and i like to kick, stretch and kick, i'm 30!

a sign of the times.

2010-03-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

or my age perhaps. it seems as though the second it was 09/02/2009 at 9:06 a.m. i begin to change on a cellular level. the gray hairs began to come in droves and yes, my first real smile line, although if it's only on one side, is it still considered a smile line? i'm finding myself wondering if i will allow myself to grow old gracefully. i have colored by hair for 17 years, and see no need to stop now. my concern is my face, more so the lines and/or wrinkles. i truly find myself debating botox and/or restalyne. how insane is that?

i am not one who looks down on plastic surgery, obviously (hello!!), as long as it's tastefully done and you do it truly for yourself and no one else. while i have been blessed with pretty amazing skin (thanks grandma and dad!), i realize that i am not getting any younger and given that i decided to wait until nearly mid-life to try and finish school, now, for the first time in my life, i find myself wondering if, and at what point my age will become an "issue". i do not think it is that far fetched of a thought, ageism exists, as does sexism and homophobia, etc. but is it time for me to add that to the list of already growing worries?

so, i'm looking into it, i have an appointment today to have another session on my ankle tattoo (i want it gone!), and well what do you know, it's a full service surgical center/medical spa. so, i've also made it a point to meet with the doctor regarding botox/restalyne. just an appointment, i've committed to nothing. but i am curious. nothing wrong with curious, right?

and if you look to your left, you'll see....

2010-03-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

what a difference a week makes. i mean really. while i was hating the thought of returning to work this morning, i went, well, refreshed. though i came in to over 500 emails to respond to, i could tell that i was less stressed and i wasn't counting the minutes till the end of the day. so, perhaps i should use my 6 weeks of pto wisely, by taking a week every couple of months or so, most especially since my current employer does not pay you for unused time! while the day ended on a sour note (i found out i bombed my stats test) bummer, but i'll live. anyhow, this is a note to recap on some things i learned last week while on vacay.

1) my new favorite breakfast is a whole wheat english muffin with almond butter and slivers of banana on top (as rachel ray would say "delish and nutrish!")

2) i learned more about addison's disease than i ever cared to know - our problem child, ethyl was diagnosed with addison's disease, essentially it's when the adrenal gland stops producing the hormones that help you in stressful situations. so yes, our 3 year old dog who has never wanted for a thing has a problem dealing with stress!?!? anyone else see the irony here?

3) i adore my husband. no i didn't need a vacay to tell me that, but it was lovely spending so much time with him with no distractions, well except for the ethyl sitch.

4) i can be a serious procrastinator. one of my goals was to get ahead on some school work. needless to say, i didn't.

5) staycations are kind of awesome.

Status...

2010-03-08T05:08:00.001-08:00

Well. Things have been busier than usual. Thanks to the 12 hours I’m taking at school and the fact that it’s the mid-term time, it’s been like non-stop working or reading or writing from the time I get up till bed time for the last few weeks.

B is still looking for a job. He’s been “pounding the pavement” of the internet non-stop since news of the lay off, but no luck. He met with an executive recruiter on Thursday, and he seemed to get a lot out of the meeting and walked away with a renewed sense of purpose, so I couldn’t have been happier with that. He has also been gracious and kind enough to assist my dad a few days, by helping him build a wall and a case in the garage at my parent’s house. He seems to enjoy it, and is learning some carpentry skills, so that is kind of cool. He has also decided to go back to school, and this, this makes me happier than anything. While he is currently still deciding on where to go, he has decided that he will return. I am just thrilled at this news, one because I know what a sense of accomplishment I feel after completing just one class, one semester and now that the grand prize is in sight for me, I want him to have the same feeling of accomplishment. I know it will be a rough start, he hasn’t been to school in 13 years, but I know he will be alright and as I said before, I couldn’t be happier about this outcome. I am still unsure of what will happen job wise, and that’s a little frightening, mainly because the paid administrative leave is up in 32 days. Granted, he will have the severance, but we haven’t fully discussed what is happening with that either. And while I know the my salary will cover all household expenses, well, it’s a bit daunting to have that on your shoulders, especially when I’m in a place that I am so unhappy, work-wise that is. But I will take the sunshine of his decision to return to school as a sign that things will happen, it may be slower than either of us would have liked, but they will happen.

Speaking of school, I really am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Still kicking myself for waiting so long to return, but better late than never. My 12 hours are going well; it’s a lot of work but so worth the reward. I am still planning on attending both summer sessions, for one or two classes each, and since B and I decided not to go on our honeymoon until he is fully settled in a job, it works perfectly as I won’t have to worry about scheduling the trip around classes. If I can continue with the 12 hours each semester I should be finished in one years’ time. Unbelievable. It really is attainable, that little piece of paper that means so much and will hopefully open some doors, really is in within my reach. And, I’m already looking at grad schools, weighing my options, it turns out only a two colleges in Houston offer a Masters in Human Resources, but there are many Universities that have on-line classes where I could obtain an MBA with a specialization in HR. Some of which I’d be required to take the GRE and some I wouldn’t. The fact is I’m a horrible test taker, more specifically a horrible standardized test taker. I did well on my SAT’s and my ACT, but I had to take them both twice. But I still have time to figure this all out. Right?

Hypocrisy at it’s finest?

2010-03-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

They weren’t kidding were they? Those who said eventually I’d begin to hear it, the clock that is. Wow, it’s beginning to sound less and less like a tic-toc-tic-toc and more like a BONG! BONG! BONG! I find myself perusing the cribs and baby stuff at target more and more. A friend posted something a few months ago about 35 being the age where the increase in birth defects rise as well as harm to the mother, I realize that is pretty standard and well it also varies depending upon how well you take care of yourself.

But this brought me to another realization, and a sad one at that, I’m 30 (no, that’s not the sad part), the fact is I am 30 years old and never, not one day, since the age of 7, in my entire life has there ever been even a single moment where I was not unhappy with my body. I have spent 30 years, 360 months, 1560 weeks, 10950 days on this earth, and since the age of 7 have I been happy with the way I look. I remember it very clearly, it was summer time, June I believe, I was eating a cherry flavored popsicle, I had a pink shirt on with a frog on it and some red shorts, I was getting ready to ride my bike and someone said to me that I should “loose that belly fat now, because it will be much harder to do so when you’re older.” That day I started my first “diet”, or my interpretation of what a diet was which was essentially not eating. And since that day, I’ve been either been on some form of a diet or using some form of food control. It is devastating to me to think how much of my time I have spent hating myself for the way I look, finding myself disgusting or being disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror, how many thoughts were wasted on depriving myself of happiness for vanity. What is so sad to me is that while my parents did not last, they loved me, they loved one another, they were just happy that I had 10 fingers and 10 toes and that I could see and hear and speak and I’ve spent the majority of my life hating every other part of me.

I bring this up only because I have to wonder what damage I’ve caused myself with all the starving and excessive exercise and diet pills and crazy diet fads, I must wonder am I healthy enough to have a child? Am I healthy enough mentally to be able to enjoy the physical aspects of pregnancy or will I despise myself even then. And more importantly, would I be strong enough to teach my daughter that she is beautiful no matter what, can I teach a son that beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes, and if I can do that, how much of a hypocrite will it make me if I am still struggling with being happy with myself?

Perspective

2010-02-02T07:55:00.000-08:00

At the risk of sounding like SJP in SITC – I’m beginning to wonder if it is really possible for to “have it all”. By that I mean: a good career, a loving relationship, children, family and friends – and more importantly, TIME for all of those things.

Obviously I need a job, I want a job, I like the feeling of contributing to a company or a firm’s or a teams success (not to mention that there are bills that must be paid). I think the key to that is finding something that you love to do. I still haven’t found that yet, but I’ve still got time and I’m trying to make the best of what I’ve got.

The parts to a good relationship can vary from person to person that you ask, as the necessities and requirements for each person is different. For me it’s one part B (yup, I really lucked out there, still trying to figure out how I got so lucky!) one part well, me, we really work together well and it seems like the rest just falls into place. Actually, our relationship is and always has been pretty easy going. Most of that is because, B is a patient, patient man and puts up with all of my idiosyncrasies. But, like most people, we find that it’s hard to spend time together, the good reconnecting time and everyone needs that. Now that school is in and that I’m taking a full load it’s even harder. Poor guy gets put to the wayside because I’ve got to study, and he gets it, in the long run it will all be worth it, but it’s really difficult now. Even when school isn’t in session, it’s always something, some other obligation pulling you in another direction; a work function, someone’s birthday, house cleaning, vet appointments, etc. the two days of the weekend tend to packed full fairly quickly. So how do you keep a relationship going strong for many years to come? I don’t know, but I’m glad I’ve got a great partner to help me figure it out.

Children. Kids. Babies. Grandchildren. Little ones. Padfoots. Ankle biters. Mini mo’s. Mini B’s. These are just a few of the names that various people have asked if we (B&I) would be having. This thought still seems so far away and still terrifying. Really. I can feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on any time I really think about it. That is probably a good indicator that I am no way near ready to be a mommy. And again, this goes back to time. How do you work, find time for yourself, for your spouse and for your kids and time to sleep!?!?! Really? This all seems so foreign and strange to me. Moms, please tell me how you do this.

Family. Everyone who knows me, knows I adore my mommy. She is more like my BFF. And I love our mommy/daughter dates that we have. But even those seem few and far between our daily phone calls have turned into maybe once or twice a week. Again, life gets in the way. And when I’m with her, sometimes, I find myself too tired to really enjoy myself or I find myself treating her like a child and find her excitement or inability to understand something almost unbearable. I do NOT want to feel that. I’ve done this to myself, I put the weight of the world on my shoulders to the point that it makes me irritable towards those I love. Apparently I really enjoy being the martyr. So, how do I stop this pattern? Soliciting advice here.

riends. It seems that the time I get to see my friends is fewer and fewer. Yes, I am very much aware that we all have our own lives to lead. Some with children, some with other things occupying their time, and most doing what B & I do, enjoying spending time with one another as it doesn’t happen often. Yet, I find myself sometimes drifting apart from those I desire to be closer to. I find myself jealous of the time they are able to spend with one another without me, but is just because I miss them and love them and wish that I could spend more time with them.
So, how does one accomplish all of these things at once? How does one have an even distribution of time and energy to devote to each of these things? I look around and some seem like they have it down to a science and others do struggle. I realize that life isn’t perfect and that is the days you expect to go smoothly that the car ends up breaking down. But I guess it’s all about perspective. Great! How do I get some of that?

I’m all out of love….

2010-01-20T11:57:00.000-08:00

For my job that is. I seriously can not take this anymore. I sent out my resume to about 7 places last night. It’s unacceptable to sit in your office and cry, out of frustration, for most of the day. It’s unacceptable to be so miserable at work you have to shut yourself in your office for fear that you’ll say the wrong thing to the wrong person. And I loose respect for my boss every day – all these little lies that she says – there is no reason to lie, not to me or anyone that you work with we are all grown ups and can handle the truth. There has always been too much work for me to do, but at least I’ve always had 40 hours to do it in and the option of OT, at this place it’s a 37.5 hour work week and no OT. So I’m at a disadvantage already loosing 2.5 hours a week to do my work and not having the option of OT to do it either. Not to mention the loss of OT has hurt my wallet too. I am even considering taking a pay cut just so I can be somewhere else and have peace of mind. I feel stuck, I cannot talk to K about any of this because she is a different person, she is not the approachable person she once was. I catch her lies all the time, little ones, big ones, really insignificant ones. I’m not sure who this person is and I am loosing respect for her daily. I am unsure where this is all going but I know that I do not want to be apart of it. So I keep asking for guidance and it is leading me away. Hopefully something will pan out.

On another note – school starts today, while I originally only was registered to take 3 classes, I signed on for a fourth. So I’m taking 12 hours, I’m a bit nervous because I’ve never done that before and it seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m SO ready to be finished with school!!!

Lastly – the half-marathon was on Sunday and I actually finished it. It only took me 311 or about 14.5 minute miles. Not the best times I’ve had…but it’s a start. I think this is the latest of my addictions!

Hopin' and wishin' and prayin'

2010-01-04T12:32:00.000-08:00

Towards the end of last year (which, really I’m talking about less than one week ago) I was feeling very lost in life. Don’t get me wrong there are aspects of my life in which I never ponder over (my life with B, my family and friends) but work is another story. The move to the new firm really unnerved me, had me searching myself if this was a right fit for me. It was difficult to acclimate to a place with so many rules and regulations after having spent the last seven years at places where we could come and go as we pleased and were under a protected umbrella. This new firm was a lot of change, and there was no lag time, it was jump on or fall off. So, me feeling scared, like I may not make it here, I put myself out there (in the way of my resume) I met a few folks and got interviewed, and while it’s always good to dust of that jacket every once in a while. I fear I may have shot myself in the foot. The legal community is a small one, and I can tell someone all I want that I do not want my employer to know that I am looking, but that doesn’t mean they won’t ask a friend of a friend who knows that person.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a shift in things at the office. K simply stopped speaking with me, would pass by my office saying hello to everyone except me and when I would speak with her it was short. Granted, this was probably very much a two way street (I couldn’t understand how she could choose to move to a place such as this, so I was mad and hurt and scared and because of that, I believe I began to distance myself from her for fear that I may say something I’d regret) anyhow, there was a growing distance between us, personally and professionally. As I mentioned we were (are) barely speaking and last week I noticed she was no longer giving me work to do, in fact, she hadn’t given me work in almost 3 weeks. All the work that would normally go to me was going to T and C. I was a bit bothered by this and so I inquired about it. I asked whether or not I had done something to upset her or if my work product has suffered and there was an issue that she may want to discuss or if there was a shift in roles happening to please let me know so I am sure to follow the correct protocol. I mean given the fact that she wasn’t speaking with me AND I wasn’t getting any work form her I don’t feel that this was an out of line or out of the blue type of question, anyhow, she assured me that neither was the case and that was that. But still no work, I did some discussing with T and we are of the mindset that K knows that I met with a few folks and that perhaps she is protecting herself and her interests (as was I when I took a couple of meetings), but I feel on one hand that I’m being punished by K. And this coming from someone who has always told me that “business is business”, not to mention the fact that IF, IF I was to go I would NEVER leave her or the team in a bad way, I’d need a minimum of 3 weeks to ensure I had time with someone for proper training. So, I’m not sure what to make of all of these goings on at the office and because of that I have been so tired and sick even, not wanting to get out of bed to go to the office for fear of what may or may not occur that day.

So not wanting to start this year off like that, and given the fact that I asked her if there was an issue and was told no, I did something last night I hadn't done in years....I prayed. Prayed for guidance and direction in the new year, prayed for patience and acceptance of whatever may come. I must say that this morning I was less anxious about coming in to the office. And no, I am not saying that there is a direct correlation and should be attributed to some miracle of the divine, but I do feel that the approach of “Que Sera’ Sera’” is a very nice one to have. I will try to have this more in my every day life, I know it will be difficult as I am a control freak, especially when it comes to MY life.

Now there is the matter of the fact that I share MY life with someone, and that that person has HIS life. He is also dealing with some uneasiness at work, the big W may or may not be doing another restructuring of things and B may or may not have to re-interview for a job and he may or may not get that job and if he doesn’t he may or may not have a job and may or may not be pink slipped. Now, all of this leads me to the fact that poor B has not only this to deal with and think of constantly (because we all know how the rumor mill spins, most especially in a corporate setting) so it’s hard not to think of the worst case scenario (which for me is moving back in with my parents and having to keep the four dogs outside and for him is having to take a job he doesn’t want just so he has one). So, poor B has been shouldering this on his own, as have I….see I didn’t want to ask him about it because I didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already may or may not have been and he was all in his head about it….so tensions built and there was a much needed discussion, he didn’t want to worry me about it by talking about it and I didn’t want to worry him by talking about it, so it didn’t get talked about and we were both in our own heads worried about it. I am super blessed to have him in my life, let alone that I’m lucky enough to call him my husband.

So, here is to hope. Hoping that this year will be better than the last, that I will be a better person and that whatever happens really is for the best. Hoping that the memories made last year and that the memory of those lost do not fade away. Hope that I can relinquish some of the control I want to have over everything in my life and leave some of it to chance or fate or God…whatever it is that you believe in.

Top 10 things I can’t live without

2009-12-23T06:44:00.000-08:00

I find that the closer to the end of the year it becomes, the more I feel the need to take stock in what my life is; what I have, what I need and what is the clutter that I can do without. I thought the best way for me to do this would be to have a top 10 list, Letterman style, of the top 10 things I could not live without.

1. My family - My husband and our pack (yes, really a pack) of dogs. Rufus and I don’t always see eye to eye on this (as he doesn’t understand why he has to “go” outside) but I love them all. My heart would not be complete without them. And, I cannot forget about my amazing parents, for whom my life wouldn’t be possible.

2. My friends – The only thing better than a night with my honey and our four-legged children, is a night with my ladies. One that involves drinks and either a stage and microphone or some dancing (yes, interpretive counts!). These gals, inspire me daily, make me laugh and they’re hard not to love.

3. The house - I love coming home. It's my haven and I’m thankful for it daily. It’s not exactly where I want it to be, but it will get there. And I do not love it any less.

4. Good food – I love cooking it, I love eating it. Whether it’s discovering a new restaurant or a new recipe, it’s all very ethereal and magical to me. (Especially when pairing it with a good glass of wine)

5. Running – Not something I fully embraced until July of this year and I had to go without in November and I could tell that I was cranky and tired without it. That is my time, time to clear my head, time to spend with mya (my running mate) time to let the world fall around me and time to push my body to the limits. Maybe one day, I'll look like this (hey, a gal can dream, right!?!?!)

6. Reading – I don’t care if it’s a magazine, a blog or a book (okay, yes I prefer a good book) but lately I cannot get enough of decorating blogs and zines (see number 3). Every day there is something new to look at and fawn over, I like to think I’m becoming a bit of a design junky.

7. Daydreaming – Whether it be dreaming of the day I’m finished with school and can move on to find a new job, or the day I find out I’m pregnant or the day I sign adoption papers and I’m handed a little child and hear the words “she’s all yours”. Daydreaming keeps me moving, it keeps me motivated.

8. The past – I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried and I don’t want to. I like to thing I’ve finally learned from my mistakes (yes ALL of them) even if it took me 100 times.

9. The feeling of Hope – The feeling of good things left to come, that yes, life isn’t over at 30, it’s just beginning. I get this feeling every time I’m in B’s arms.

10. Love – Yes, I know it’s cheesy and silly really. But without it nothing would be possible. Without it, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t have B, without the love of myself I wouldn’t be back in school or running trying to better myself. Without it the lives of at least 10 dogs wouldn’t have improved. Without love there is no one, there is nothing.

lets get political, i wanna get political, lets get into political.

2009-11-14T06:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2234017/?gt1=38001

This article makes some good points, although nothing I didn't already feel or think already. The whole mary-jane shitck has always seemed humours to me, I mean to classify it in the same category as LSD or Xcasty seems, well, ludicrous. I mean, I don't smoke pot, not that I think that there is anything wrong with it, but more so because I'm over the whole being out of sorts in my mind part of my life. I have friends that smoke pot and for these guys I really do feel that it helps them un-wind, helps them lead a happier life. I realize that others may disagree and feel that really they are living in a clouded version of a "happy" life, but think about it, what if that guy who ran into that Amish class and killed all of those poor kids, what if he had had a spliff in his glove box - people don't go on shooting sprees when they're high on marijuana, it just doesn't happen. (disclaimer - I'm fairly certain this has never happened, I couldn't find anything on it, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).

And the whole Cuba thing, man, don't folks know that that just made us the "fat kid at the playground" to the rest of the world. There was no need for it, okay, I get it there was the whole "cold war" thing and we cannot forget the failed assassination attempt - but wait a sec aren't we on good terms with Putin, PUTIN people, PUTIN! He makes Castro look like the grandpa from funny shit dad says, hell, Castro basically IS the dood from funny shit my dad says. The trade and travel embargo put on Cuba by the States so many years ago has impacted both countries negatively, any economist can tell you that and any historian would say the same thing. Now, I realize that there is a whole host of reasons that the embargo was put in in the first place, but I think both the people of Cuba and the US would benefit economically and culturally as soon as this embargo is fully lifted.

Now, the gay marriage thing. This is just funny to me, funny because I cannot believe that there is such an uproar about this. Funny because, in this countries very short lifetime we felt the same way about black people, that they were inferior beings to white people. Couldn't attend the same churches or schools, had different bathrooms and water fountains and entrances to stores. And we cannot and must not forget the lynchings, home burnings, and attacks of innocent people. Then came the civil rights movement, and for all we know, without these brave, self-less leaders this country would still be the vicious racist place it once was. Now, I bring up the race thing only because I see a direct line between the rights for black people equal to the rights of gay people, much the same as black people were chased and hosed down and beaten for their cause, you have people like Matthew Shepherd who die in the same vain for just being who they are in their own skin. It was silly and laughable to thing that there was even a time that a black person counted as 1/4 of a person and didn't have the same rights as a white person, I find it equally as silly that a gay woman or man doesn't have the same rights as a straight woman or man. I hope, that somewhere in the very near future we can get over ourselves and see that love is love is love and regardless of your orientation if there are two consenting adults that want to be married - than they should have the right to do so, they should have the right to name their "partner" as their husband or their wife, they should have the right to adopt just as much as the straight couple in the house next to them. I thought that church and state were separate, so how can state put a rule on what the bible says or what God feels?

I am now stepping off my soap box.

can we talk?

2009-11-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the fact that the wedding planning is over and I feel a surge of "free" time or maybe it's that my moms and I went to the Houston Urban Market this past Sunday, and I fell in lurve with lots of stuff, whever it is, I've got it bad.

For seres. I’m in décor searching mode. I’m seriously obsessed with finding the perfect paint for the living room and dining room, I’ve already decided on yellow for the bathroom so that it looks something like this:

And I will own this sink:

And I found this on Etsy that would looks so good in the bathroom next to the above sink:

Thank goodness B lets me have my way when it comes to decorating, I really want a purple dining room, similar to this, although he's not too happy with a dark shad of purple or bright one for that matter:

And in the bedroom, finally decided on a bed, and this is at TARGET:

I haven’t really decided on the living room, yet, I want something pale white or pale gray. But I found this bench on Etsy too, look at that style and that color!?!?! Oh that color!!!!! drool.....

Now I'll get back to work.

a simple kind of life

2009-11-03T09:39:00.001-08:00

i find myself more and more attracted to a life away from the city, away from the concrete and steel beams that encompass my everyday life. my latest fantasy is one where we (b & i & the 4 critters of course!) leave it all behind for a beautiful farm in wyoming. one where we could have horses to ride, cows for fresh milk, chickens for fresh eggs. a place i could learn to build fences and run cattle, a place i could learn to become a morning person. i mean really, who wouldn't want to wake up to sights like these on the daily.

and lets not forget that you can find yellowstone here as well.

when i think of raising children, i don't picture it being here. i don't want my kids to be burdened with sounds of sirens every 10 minutes. And having to drive 30 minutes to get to a park or a place where the air is clean and they can be at one with nature. but i wonder if i’d find myself missing the city, the hustle and bustle of it all, i wonder if i would really have more time to be a better person, wife, mom somewhere where life wasn’t so hectic. it’s a nice dream, but i should get back to my current reality.

Things I want of now that the cold is here

2009-10-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

Because now that the wedding is over, I'm free to concentrate on ME. ha. I kid, I kid! So the Houston cold is here, or whatever you call it when it's 90 degrees one day and 70 the next and so on.
A good pair of riding boots, similar to the one of following

A good pair of semi-skinny jeans preferably black

A nice high-waist pencil skirt

And I'm very much in like with Karen O's hair and I think I want it. Whats with that, every time I grow my hair out I want it short and when it's short I want it long. WTF?

a table for two please.

2009-10-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

I can’t remember the last time I cooked a home-cooked meal. And I don’t mean the kind that includes me opening a box of Lundberg’s farms garlic risotto (http://www.lundberg.com/) and a box of quorn naked chic’n cutlets (http://www.quorn.us/) and making my own sauce and steaming some veggies. I mean the real, homemade from scratch type stuff like my Italian meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I recently found out that you can sub cauliflower instead of potatoes, less calories, less carbs and you’re adding another veggie! Nor have I made my enchiladas, rice and beans in more than a year. Really, I’m half Mexican, but I’m sure if I don’t use this knowledge of cooking, it’ll be forgotten. And lets not forget my favorite, the pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving where I over-do myself and make the likes of broccoli rice casserole, hash brown casserole (I’m the ONLY one who likes this!), macaroni & cheese, green bean casserole, brown sugar bourbon turkey, jack daniels chocolate chip pecan pie, gravy, banana pudding and the sorts. And I only say over-do myself because I REFUSE to allow anyone in the kitchen to assist me, I’m a martyr that way ;-). I don’t know what it is about this time of year that makes me want to cook, perhaps it is that it is so close the Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or maybe it’s the upcoming nuptials that makes me feel like I should be providing better sustenance for my soon to be hubby and myself and perhaps one day our children. It’s not that I don’t know how to cook, I do, believe me, I love it too, I just don’t have the time. Lately my days have been work and school, or work and run and homework and wedding stuff. Leaving not much time (or energy for that matter) to cook or to spend some good QT with my honey (it’s even been more than a month since we’ve had date night!). It is my sincere hope that after the wedding, I will be less preoccupied with other things and have more energy to focus on our home and our life and this includes cooking! So, if you’ve got any favorite recipes you’d be willing to share, please do, I’m open to new ideas!

eyes wide open.

2009-10-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve had this feeling for a while that I couldn’t quite put into words. Happiness just didn’t cover it. Balanced didn’t either. I really and truly have no idea how to explain it all. For the first time, and yes I’m positive that it is truly the FIRST time in my life I feel at home. This really and truly began a few years ago when B and I began dating. He smelled familiar, being in his arms was warm and comforting, he made me smile and laugh like never before, I could get lost in his eyes. I enjoyed every moment with him and spent the moments without him waiting to get back to him. And 15 days away from our wedding, all of this still rings true. Recently, I was reading a friends blog about how she should explain to her young son that saying of home is where the heart is, is where you and the people you love are and it occurred to me that B is my home. I bought our house on my own, and lived it in with a great roomie, but it didn’t feel “lived in” until B and the pugs got there. I have a family now, my own family, my soon to be husband and our little family of four-legged babies. My own private paradise resides at 1140 Dorothy St.

Containing with this theme, as you know I’ve been training for the half-marathon coming Jan. 17, 2010. I’ve been doing anywhere between 9 and 16 miles a week for the past 6 weeks. My scale hasn’t budged, not even a little. But B told me that he can tell I’ve lost weight. So today, I did something that I’ve avoided doing for the last 4 years, I looked at myself, really looked at myself and what I discovered what that I’ve got the beginnings of a runners body. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a way to go. But wow, definition in my calves and thighs, thinner waist and arms, stronger back – it’s all there. I was able to do 3 miles in 37 minutes on Tuesday, a personal best so far. It wasn’t too long ago that I couldn’t do a half-mile without stopping 3 or 4 times. And it occurred to me that this is something I’ve done all by myself, for myself. I feel amazing inside and I feel good about my body, another first in my life.

well

2009-09-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

in the last post i sounded like a crazy witchey woman! i realize that the important part of the wedding is actually getting married to an amazing person! i'm very very lucky. i couldn't have asked for a better honey.

18 days to go

2009-09-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

we are really hurdling fast towards that wedding now. it's been fascinating to watch exactly how fast time really does fly. i can only image how much faster it goes when you have children. we are currently in the middle of RSVP and seating chart hell. i normally wouldn't have done a seating chart, but i was told by someone that it is considered to be a very thoughtful gesture to the guests. well that, AND the fact that there will be some folks there whom i just do not even want the off-chance happening that they could end up sitting at the same table. also, who are these people that do not rsvp? seriously? and it's fine if you can't make it, really, yes, we want you there or you wouldn't have received an invite, but don't leave us hanging. that puts us in a precarious predicament, we either include you on the food count, the chair and table count on the off chance that you MAY show up OR we don't and while it's true that the caterer always makes more food, so you'll have food to eat, there will not be a place for you to sit or something to sit on. and then WE look like the jerks, i can just hear it now "i can't believe you didn't include me, as IF i would miss this..." then i got a call from the linen people, ugh, i can't even type about it. to think, at one time i wanted to be a professional wedding/party planner. really? well maybe it would be easier if it wasn't my wedding.

25 days to go now....my head is hurtin' mighty bad.

2009-09-22T06:34:00.001-07:00

Got 25 days till the wedding. Insanity ensues. It’s all a blur up to this point and I’m sure the next 3.5 weeks will be a blur as well. Last weekend was the respective bachelor/bachelorette parties. B went to New Orleans with some of his fellows while my amazing lady friends took me out for a night on the town. First stop, Max’s wine dive, for wonderful conversation, food and wine, of course! ;-) Then on to Spotlight Karaoke, to continue the drink-a-thon and sing! I had a fabulous time, I drank too much and spent most of Sunday in between naps and food times on the sofa. Ugh. I don’t see how folks do those the day before the wedding, or even the WEEKEND before, I’ll need these next 3 weeks to re-coop! All is coming together though, still need a few things but for the most part it’s all taken care of. I can’t wait for it to get here, while we’re not taking a honeymoon immediately, we are taking the week after the wedding off, to bask in the glow of newlywed bliss. Thanks again to my lovely ladies, you sure know how to make a gal feel special.

i'm quite certain

2009-09-09T06:54:00.000-07:00

that i could build an entire room around this chair. that is how much i love it. it will be mine.

brent was worried about what i'd do with all my time after the wedding was over. well, project re-furnish/re-decorate house will be on. took brent to look at some couches over the weekend. this is what we found.

these are some headboards that we agree on, they're at target. and the last one at west elm.

wow. it's a blogging trend.

2009-09-04T14:06:00.001-07:00

so, i've long been told that i'm obsessed with couches/sofas. and i do admit that i have an affinity for them. and i am currently in the mindset of painting the kitchen three shades lighter than it currently is, more of burnt orange than a red. i'm also in the frame of mind that i want new bedroom furniture in the master. i want something vintage with a padded headboard. b, being the wonderful man he is, of course, leaves the decor to me. so while i was hunting down bedrooms, i ran across some sofas that i now am in love with. and while i'm being honest here, i've been wanting a new sofa for quite some time, and a new sitting chair. anyhow. here are some of the beds and sofa's i've run across. i actually kind of want to move again JUST so i can start over with a clean canvas. ha!

wanting, needed, to justify this spending.....

2009-09-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

not that i've purchased these items, but i want to, badly. if you've not checked her out, do so. Rachel Roy.

Another one bites the dust.

2009-09-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

Another year that is! I’m officially 30 years old. And I can say that it doesn’t feel any different than 29. Perhaps I’m focused on the wedding and school and so this isn’t the biggest thing happening right now. I will say that I feel much more inspired, more inclined to push harder to accomplish my life goals and the goals of my soon to be hubby. Turns out I’ve only got 16 more classes to finish my degree, I thought it was 18, so that’s great news. Then only 6 more for my minor, so 22 total, I’m hoping to be done in 2.5 years. That means that I will have to take a summer session here and there and potentially bump my semesters from 9 hours to 12 because at the rate I’m going now I wouldn’t be done until close to 34 and well that would make B close to 40 and I’d like to have a year or two of no school to spend time with him before the talk or thought of children is a constant thing.

On another note, I’m still training for the half-marathon in January and doing fairly well. It will get harder to do once the semester presses on, but I’ve got to make myself do it. I’m looking at bikes too. I can’t decide if I should get just a plain bike or (huffy as my friend at work says) or a nicer bike. Max says that it’s better to have more bike than you need, and I have to say I agree with him a bit. What if one day I decide to do the MS150, I’d need a good bike that is good for street/gravel AND that is good for long term rides. But I just love the idea of getting a bike that is an old school cruising type bike with a basket on it. Decisions, decisions.

Lastly, I got some really great news yesterday. A place I’d interviewed with some time ago (almost a year ago) called and asked for another meeting. Said they were looking to do something soon. Yet, another decision to make. I love the folks I work with, really, some of them are like family to me and I have leeway here, plus seniority, great salary, OT and tons of PTO, but the fact remains that I’m at the top of my game here. There is nothing new for me to learn or new for me to do. This place would be a great opportunity for a change and to learn new skill sets. So is safe and slow the way to go or do I change it up? Maybe turning 30 and getting married is enough change for one year? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

we know who you are.

2009-07-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

i still can't believe it. it still hasn't sunk in. you're not here and yet you're constantly in our thoughts and hearts. sure i've run the gamete of emotions, denial, anger, fear, frustration, and of course, it's not fair. truth be told, it's not fair and it never is. i find it difficult to form complete thoughts that don't include expletives when it comes to them, i'm jealous that they had the time with you, i'm angry for the lack of consideration and even more angry at the total cowardly acts after the fact. those people didn't know you, at least, not the real you. we know who you are, and we always will. thank you for all you extended to me, kindness and forgiveness and understanding and lots of smiles.

vacation all i ever needed.

2009-07-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

i really forgot how being totally out of touch with the rest of the world is so very refreshing!
this is the second week back from paradise and unfortunately, i'm already back to the daily grind. cancun was amazing and beautiful. chichen itza was breath-taking. the resort was fantastical (thanks Rachel Ray!) it was wonderful to sit next to my honey, on the beach chair under an umbrella listening to the waves and reading a book. but 4 days wasn't enough, i could have done 10 more! anyhow...here are a few choice photos from the trip...if you want more go to my photobucket account here (http://s20.photobucket.com/albums/b235/momo38/Cancun%202009/)

This was a beautiful "sink hole" in the mountain.

The resort had a club on-site called galaxy....star wars themed. awesome.

The BIG pyramid at Chichen Itza.

Lovers.

cha, cha, changes.

2009-07-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

i can't believe it's been almost a month since i last posted. life is just flying by so fast, i hardly have time to take it all in, let alone write about it on here. anyhow, as you can see my blog as undergone some beautifying, and i must say that i am very happy with the way it turned out. Lyndsay, this lovely lady, mother and wifey set this all up, you can get more info here http://www.beautifymyblog.com/ i've always thought she was the bees knees!

i registered for the houston half-marathon today. the race in january 17, 2010. i thought it'd be a great way to start off my 30th year on this planet, well that and being ms. mahler! but i really want to start pushing myself to new limits, to try new things. not that 30 is old, but these past 30 years have gone by so fast, i remember what i wore to my 14th birthday party and here i am, 30 years old (well, almost) and i fear that if i let the next 30 years go by without forcing myself to step-up to the plate and actually DO all the things i've always said i wanted to do, than i never will. i feel i have to make up for lost time, i spent the majority of my 20's in an intoxicated cloud and it's hard for me to fathom that the last 7 years have actually happened and are now over. so with this new decade in life, comes a new lease on it as well. i hope i don't disappoint myself too badly!

Rants and Raves...but mostly rants.

2009-06-24T07:57:00.001-07:00

I’ve seen your type before. I see you on the side of the road; walking the streets late at night and early in the morning, scrounging for food and water. I’ve seen you look at me with wanting, curious eyes only to be frightening when I try to approach. I’ve seen you, your spirit broken and you’ve given up. Please know that your pain is my pain. Your hunger does not go unnoticed; your scares do not go unseen; your death is not forgotten and while you may not have been given the love you deserved, that all deserve, you will are loved now and in your memory I; we, fight on in your honor.

Sorry to be so depressing. I just sometimes am so overwhelmed at the lack of empathy in the human race. How can someone just hit an animal, any animal and continue on down the road as if it didn’t just kill a living, breathing thing. That’s what happened to my Maizey, someone just hit her, and kept going, like she didn’t matter, like she didn’t mean anything to anyone. How can someone pass by an animal, that is obviously is so much pain like they are not even there. That’s how I came about Milo, poor little soul, nearly hairless and starving. Then there are those that are rescued from being tied up at intersections, or kicked out of a moving car, put in a box and thrown into a body of water. I just don’t understand how some people come to be so void of compassion. Perhaps it was never there in the first place, or perhaps something horrific was done to them. But I do understand how it runs around, because any time I see these atrocities committed against a living breathing thing, I too believe that the person responsible needs atone for their sins, an eye for an eye. The people of this planet have an obligation to teach their children right from wrong, to help those in need and to have respect for all living things. While this breaks my heart, I am thrilled to know that there are people out there who do fight for their beliefs. I am happy to know that we can, I do not believe that we are too far gone, but it getting harder and harder to believe that. At the end of the day, there is only a four letter word that can keep people going – hope. Hoping things get better, hoping someone will do something, hoping the problem will go away, but hope is nothing without action.

That ends your PSA for the day.

Re-Fi = ReNu?

2009-06-12T10:12:00.001-07:00

So. B and I are “closing” on the re-fi of the house today. So, B welcome to the world of home ownership. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that the last 2 years you’ve been at the house you’ve paid half of everything and done a ton of maintenance on the house, so you’re very well acquainted with the responsibilities of home ownership. But now the house will have your name on title as well. I can’t believe I’ve been in that house 3 years already. Gone through lots of changes there; I moved in to the house with my baby girl Maizey and lost her 8 months afterwards. Rescued Milo off the side of the road and lost him a little over a year after. Rescued Mya and her pups, Amelia, Loki and Ethyl – today only Ethyl and Mya remain, but of course added Bruno and Rufus to the brood. So it’s and even household three loud barking women and three heavily shedding men. Although it's been a rough road at this house, a lot of pain with loosing all these babies...I did gain one two more and my B. I love you, B!

(my b!)

(the sweet little milo)

(The babies Amelia and Loki)

(and the doggie love of my life, my Maizey)

drinking myself sober.

2009-06-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

so 30 is just around the corner. i'm amazed that i've made it this far, i remember being like 15 thinking i wouldn't live past the age of 21. here i am about to be 30. about to get married, after i said i'd never marry again. but this time it's right. so, turning 30 doesn't seem so scary after all. while the thought that perhaps the next 70 years (if i'm lucky) are for the most unknown, it's the bumps in the road i look forward to most. will i have children? what will i be when i grow up? will we stay in houston? none of this really matters to me anymore. i don't care what happens along the way. i have some amazing girlfriends, really the best anyone could ask for. i have an amazing family. and i have an amazing fiancee. i really am very happy right now, so here's to the next 30 years.

i don't see it.

2009-05-22T10:46:00.001-07:00

the big deal about lady gaga. i really don't. i tried, really, gave it a good try...because i do have some bubble gum pop on my ipod, great for working out...but i just can't get into her stuff and can't understand the majority of her fashion choices or the current obsession people have of her.

back on the wagon...or, is it off the wagon?

2009-05-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

i was pretty diligent from january until just about the beginning of may with this working out/dieting and loosing weight thing. but, alas, i've grown bored and tired of it. perhaps because i lost 12 pounds and hovered there, i increased my cardio by 20 minutes and upped it to 4-times a week and still nothing. but something happened, i just realized that my wedding dress will be here in like 3 weeks and i'm basically the same size i was when i bought it, SO not what i wanted and then i realized that holy mother of the power of christ compels you that the wedding is in like 5 months. c*@!sucker motherf*&@er that snuck up on me. so, i'm giving myself the rest of this week/weekend to indulge in beer, wine, delectable desserts and relaxing, then boot camp starts monday! also, i need to revamp what i eat during the day, i'm so good at breakfast and lunch but then snacking throughout the day is my weakness!

which brings me to my next subject. i think i'm bored at my job. not bored in the sense of nothing to do, rather bored in that i'm over it. i've been doing this particular job for close to 5 years and been with the same people and same environment for close to 10! how the eff does that happen at the age of 29?!?! i'm not sure if that says i'm too scared to take a leap or make a change, or perhaps i'm not marketable in another field at this juncture? or maybe i'm just so overwhelmed and i feel like i can't tackle anything and perhaps the perspective will change when and if i finally get a new assistant. which also reminds me, i interviewed two potential candidates today: one was WAY over-qualified and is used to being in my position and seems like she'd cut me off at the pass every chance she got; and the other is not too qualified and seems perfectly trainable, however i get the feeling that she needs some hand-holding. regardless, i've updated the ol' resume and replied to posters on career and monster, etc. and have an interview at a placement agency next week, so lets see what happens.

yummy

2009-05-11T13:25:00.001-07:00

How beautiful is this? Seriously, it looks so yummy, but I don't think I'd be able to eat it. It's like a work of art. I'd order a few, but this shop is in South Africa (http://cupcakedlights.blogspot.com/) . This just reminds me...when the eff are we getting the Houston Sprinkles.

is it over yet?

2009-05-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

i am so sick of school. please wake me when it's over.

diet, shmeit.

2009-04-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

If I bring myself to think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, I've been on a diet on and off since the age of about 12. I'm fairly lucky that I've never really had to cut something totally out of my life; I've been known to eat my share of pizza and brownies, etc. But somehow, I gained almost 30 pounds in the last 3 years...obviously I KNEW it was happening because I couldn't fit into any of my jeans anymore, but I'm not really sure HOW exactly it happened. I guess food and laziness are the major causes, but I don't really recall eating more at every meal in the last few years than I did before. Now that I want to exercise, my knees hurt, my chins hurt, my elbow and shoulders pop. Getting old really is a beeotch! Youth, why must you mock me?

So close, yet still so far.

2009-04-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered how I would have turned out had my father stayed alive. What kind of influence would he have had upon me? My mother has been such a huge part of my life and has really shaped who I am now. My mother has also done her best to tell me as much about my father, both good and bad, to help fill in the gaps. Regardless, I have always felt slightly incomplete, never really knowing who I am and where I came from. To hear someone say "you get that from your dad" is amazing, but also heartbreaking, I want to know that I get that from my dad, by seeing it myself. This is of course not to discount my dad Jerry, the only dad I've ever known and for all intents and purposes, he is my dad and I love him, but it's not the same. I hate to say that, it makes me feel ungrateful, selfish and spoiled, but it's the way I feel. My dad is with me always and I know that. I carry his memory in my heart and my head every day and I look at his picture every day....but I would give anything to spend one day with him, to hear his laugh, look into his eyes and give him a hug. I can't help but wonder if the pain I feel now never having known him would be greatly increased if I had or if pain is pain. Still, I'd take that chance.

Avoidance

2009-04-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have two papers I have to write. One, rough draft that is due this coming Monday and the final draft that is due in 2 weeks - the other paper is due next Saturday. Ugh. I HATE writing papers. In fact, I'm sure this is why I have decided NOT to attend law school. I hate writing papers so much, that the thought of writing and researching briefs just makes me nauseous. Now, time to form a new dream at 30 years old...uhm...what do I want to be when I grow up?

ladies......

2009-04-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

I’d like to take a few moments to recognize the amazing women in my life, for without them, I wouldn’t be where I am, who I am or make it through most days.

Mom – thank you for being my mom and turning into my best friend, who knew that was even possible.

And now on to my hetero life-mates:

Dana – Where do I even begin? How can I put it into words? It all started with a road trip, and here we are, 6 years later. I couldn’t live without your one-liners and our heart-to-hearts. I love you.

Jax – My fellow Virgo. We’ve been through a lot, and apparently we are more similar than either one of us realizes. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes; you’d be amazed at the woman that stands before. I love you.

Kerry – I’m so happy to have grown so close to you. You really have no idea how amazing you are. I love you.

Amy – We went from just acquaintances to friends and I’m marring your ex and your fiancée is making our wedding cakes. What a funny way to become such good friends. I love you.

Jill – Upon first meeting you who would have thought, that the person who brought us together would no longer be in either one of our lives. You are an amazing woman, mother and friend. My only complaint is that I don’t get to see enough of you. I love you.

Crystal – Growing up, you were always my favorite cousin and the proximity of our ages allowed for that. After all we’ve been through, us and our families, I love you more and more. You are stronger than you realize. I love you.

frenemy

2009-04-23T09:26:00.001-07:00

I really didn't think I subscribed to this. But, I, believe I unwittingly, became apart of a "frenemy" relationship. Luckily, this wasn’t a person I really associated with outside of the office. I always considered our relationship to be one that was just office related; talking, laughing, sometimes lunch or drinks after. And because we talked and laughed and worked closely together, and there was never any competition or jealousy on my part, I assumed we had a “work friendship” – one that existed in the office and if this person really needed me outside of that, I’d have been there, but it was a friendship, nonetheless. Slowly, I began to see her true personality emerge.

1) manipulative - going out to lunch with people, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu and then saying, “oh, I don’t have any money.” WHO THE EFF does that?!?!?!

2) jealousy – if I was in a conversation with someone else in the office, she’d come wandering in wanting to know what we were talking about, interject her opinions and of course, she always knew EVERYTHING there was to know about EVERYTHING.

3) gossip girl – I’m talking high school here, talking trash about everyone behind their backs, of course I could only wonder what was being said behind mine.

4) social climber – befriending those that she thought could get her something better and turning her back on those that helped her get where she was.

5) total instability – you never knew what you were going to get, most days she was fine, but there were those days was totally unapproachable! I don’t mean “someone’s having a case of the Monday’s” type mood, think more along the lines of “psycho – stab you in the shower” type moods, yelling and screaming and crying.

This person no longer works with us, regardless I felt horribly that she didn’t have a job and tried to keep in touch, offering my recommendation, etc. She would text intermittently about nothing and that was it. Then it hit me one day, how I never thought I’d met one of “those” women. One capable of creating and being in a “frenemy” relationship; one who was willing to do anything to get ahead, even if it meant stepping on others, one with such a sense of entitlement and most importantly, one who has NO idea that anything she does is wrong. Such an unhealthy way of life, and a sad one at that, you will never know yourself, and no one will ever really get to know you because you refuse to believe that you have ever done anything wrong. In your eyes, you are owed something, anything and everything. I feel horribly sad for you, one day you will look in the mirror and realize that all your failures were at your own hands. I hope on that day, you have at least one REAL friend around

I'm movin' on up.

2009-04-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

Making the switch to blogger. Lets see if I can keep this up for a week, OR in my life is just way more interesting in my head than on the screen.