Towards the end of last year (which, really I’m talking about less than one week ago) I was feeling very lost in life. Don’t get me wrong there are aspects of my life in which I never ponder over (my life with B, my family and friends) but work is another story. The move to the new firm really unnerved me, had me searching myself if this was a right fit for me. It was difficult to acclimate to a place with so many rules and regulations after having spent the last seven years at places where we could come and go as we pleased and were under a protected umbrella. This new firm was a lot of change, and there was no lag time, it was jump on or fall off. So, me feeling scared, like I may not make it here, I put myself out there (in the way of my resume) I met a few folks and got interviewed, and while it’s always good to dust of that jacket every once in a while. I fear I may have shot myself in the foot. The legal community is a small one, and I can tell someone all I want that I do not want my employer to know that I am looking, but that doesn’t mean they won’t ask a friend of a friend who knows that person.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a shift in things at the office. K simply stopped speaking with me, would pass by my office saying hello to everyone except me and when I would speak with her it was short. Granted, this was probably very much a two way street (I couldn’t understand how she could choose to move to a place such as this, so I was mad and hurt and scared and because of that, I believe I began to distance myself from her for fear that I may say something I’d regret) anyhow, there was a growing distance between us, personally and professionally. As I mentioned we were (are) barely speaking and last week I noticed she was no longer giving me work to do, in fact, she hadn’t given me work in almost 3 weeks. All the work that would normally go to me was going to T and C. I was a bit bothered by this and so I inquired about it. I asked whether or not I had done something to upset her or if my work product has suffered and there was an issue that she may want to discuss or if there was a shift in roles happening to please let me know so I am sure to follow the correct protocol. I mean given the fact that she wasn’t speaking with me AND I wasn’t getting any work form her I don’t feel that this was an out of line or out of the blue type of question, anyhow, she assured me that neither was the case and that was that. But still no work, I did some discussing with T and we are of the mindset that K knows that I met with a few folks and that perhaps she is protecting herself and her interests (as was I when I took a couple of meetings), but I feel on one hand that I’m being punished by K. And this coming from someone who has always told me that “business is business”, not to mention the fact that IF, IF I was to go I would NEVER leave her or the team in a bad way, I’d need a minimum of 3 weeks to ensure I had time with someone for proper training. So, I’m not sure what to make of all of these goings on at the office and because of that I have been so tired and sick even, not wanting to get out of bed to go to the office for fear of what may or may not occur that day.
So not wanting to start this year off like that, and given the fact that I asked her if there was an issue and was told no, I did something last night I hadn't done in years....I prayed. Prayed for guidance and direction in the new year, prayed for patience and acceptance of whatever may come. I must say that this morning I was less anxious about coming in to the office. And no, I am not saying that there is a direct correlation and should be attributed to some miracle of the divine, but I do feel that the approach of “Que Sera’ Sera’” is a very nice one to have. I will try to have this more in my every day life, I know it will be difficult as I am a control freak, especially when it comes to MY life.
Now there is the matter of the fact that I share MY life with someone, and that that person has HIS life. He is also dealing with some uneasiness at work, the big W may or may not be doing another restructuring of things and B may or may not have to re-interview for a job and he may or may not get that job and if he doesn’t he may or may not have a job and may or may not be pink slipped. Now, all of this leads me to the fact that poor B has not only this to deal with and think of constantly (because we all know how the rumor mill spins, most especially in a corporate setting) so it’s hard not to think of the worst case scenario (which for me is moving back in with my parents and having to keep the four dogs outside and for him is having to take a job he doesn’t want just so he has one). So, poor B has been shouldering this on his own, as have I….see I didn’t want to ask him about it because I didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already may or may not have been and he was all in his head about it….so tensions built and there was a much needed discussion, he didn’t want to worry me about it by talking about it and I didn’t want to worry him by talking about it, so it didn’t get talked about and we were both in our own heads worried about it. I am super blessed to have him in my life, let alone that I’m lucky enough to call him my husband.
So, here is to hope. Hoping that this year will be better than the last, that I will be a better person and that whatever happens really is for the best. Hoping that the memories made last year and that the memory of those lost do not fade away. Hope that I can relinquish some of the control I want to have over everything in my life and leave some of it to chance or fate or God…whatever it is that you believe in.
