a sign of the times.

or my age perhaps. it seems as though the second it was 09/02/2009 at 9:06 a.m. i begin to change on a cellular level. the gray hairs began to come in droves and yes, my first real smile line, although if it's only on one side, is it still considered a smile line? i'm finding myself wondering if i will allow myself to grow old gracefully. i have colored by hair for 17 years, and see no need to stop now. my concern is my face, more so the lines and/or wrinkles. i truly find myself debating botox and/or restalyne. how insane is that?

i am not one who looks down on plastic surgery, obviously (hello!!), as long as it's tastefully done and you do it truly for yourself and no one else. while i have been blessed with pretty amazing skin (thanks grandma and dad!), i realize that i am not getting any younger and given that i decided to wait until nearly mid-life to try and finish school, now, for the first time in my life, i find myself wondering if, and at what point my age will become an "issue". i do not think it is that far fetched of a thought, ageism exists, as does sexism and homophobia, etc. but is it time for me to add that to the list of already growing worries?

so, i'm looking into it, i have an appointment today to have another session on my ankle tattoo (i want it gone!), and well what do you know, it's a full service surgical center/medical spa. so, i've also made it a point to meet with the doctor regarding botox/restalyne. just an appointment, i've committed to nothing. but i am curious. nothing wrong with curious, right?

and if you look to your left, you'll see....

what a difference a week makes. i mean really. while i was hating the thought of returning to work this morning, i went, well, refreshed. though i came in to over 500 emails to respond to, i could tell that i was less stressed and i wasn't counting the minutes till the end of the day. so, perhaps i should use my 6 weeks of pto wisely, by taking a week every couple of months or so, most especially since my current employer does not pay you for unused time! while the day ended on a sour note (i found out i bombed my stats test) bummer, but i'll live. anyhow, this is a note to recap on some things i learned last week while on vacay.

1) my new favorite breakfast is a whole wheat english muffin with almond butter and slivers of banana on top (as rachel ray would say "delish and nutrish!")

2) i learned more about addison's disease than i ever cared to know - our problem child, ethyl was diagnosed with addison's disease, essentially it's when the adrenal gland stops producing the hormones that help you in stressful situations. so yes, our 3 year old dog who has never wanted for a thing has a problem dealing with stress!?!? anyone else see the irony here?

3) i adore my husband. no i didn't need a vacay to tell me that, but it was lovely spending so much time with him with no distractions, well except for the ethyl sitch.

4) i can be a serious procrastinator. one of my goals was to get ahead on some school work. needless to say, i didn't.

5) staycations are kind of awesome.

Status...

Well. Things have been busier than usual. Thanks to the 12 hours I’m taking at school and the fact that it’s the mid-term time, it’s been like non-stop working or reading or writing from the time I get up till bed time for the last few weeks.

B is still looking for a job. He’s been “pounding the pavement” of the internet non-stop since news of the lay off, but no luck. He met with an executive recruiter on Thursday, and he seemed to get a lot out of the meeting and walked away with a renewed sense of purpose, so I couldn’t have been happier with that. He has also been gracious and kind enough to assist my dad a few days, by helping him build a wall and a case in the garage at my parent’s house. He seems to enjoy it, and is learning some carpentry skills, so that is kind of cool. He has also decided to go back to school, and this, this makes me happier than anything. While he is currently still deciding on where to go, he has decided that he will return. I am just thrilled at this news, one because I know what a sense of accomplishment I feel after completing just one class, one semester and now that the grand prize is in sight for me, I want him to have the same feeling of accomplishment. I know it will be a rough start, he hasn’t been to school in 13 years, but I know he will be alright and as I said before, I couldn’t be happier about this outcome. I am still unsure of what will happen job wise, and that’s a little frightening, mainly because the paid administrative leave is up in 32 days. Granted, he will have the severance, but we haven’t fully discussed what is happening with that either. And while I know the my salary will cover all household expenses, well, it’s a bit daunting to have that on your shoulders, especially when I’m in a place that I am so unhappy, work-wise that is. But I will take the sunshine of his decision to return to school as a sign that things will happen, it may be slower than either of us would have liked, but they will happen.

Speaking of school, I really am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Still kicking myself for waiting so long to return, but better late than never. My 12 hours are going well; it’s a lot of work but so worth the reward. I am still planning on attending both summer sessions, for one or two classes each, and since B and I decided not to go on our honeymoon until he is fully settled in a job, it works perfectly as I won’t have to worry about scheduling the trip around classes. If I can continue with the 12 hours each semester I should be finished in one years’ time. Unbelievable. It really is attainable, that little piece of paper that means so much and will hopefully open some doors, really is in within my reach. And, I’m already looking at grad schools, weighing my options, it turns out only a two colleges in Houston offer a Masters in Human Resources, but there are many Universities that have on-line classes where I could obtain an MBA with a specialization in HR. Some of which I’d be required to take the GRE and some I wouldn’t. The fact is I’m a horrible test taker, more specifically a horrible standardized test taker. I did well on my SAT’s and my ACT, but I had to take them both twice. But I still have time to figure this all out. Right?

Hypocrisy at it’s finest?

They weren’t kidding were they? Those who said eventually I’d begin to hear it, the clock that is. Wow, it’s beginning to sound less and less like a tic-toc-tic-toc and more like a BONG! BONG! BONG! I find myself perusing the cribs and baby stuff at target more and more. A friend posted something a few months ago about 35 being the age where the increase in birth defects rise as well as harm to the mother, I realize that is pretty standard and well it also varies depending upon how well you take care of yourself.

But this brought me to another realization, and a sad one at that, I’m 30 (no, that’s not the sad part), the fact is I am 30 years old and never, not one day, since the age of 7, in my entire life has there ever been even a single moment where I was not unhappy with my body. I have spent 30 years, 360 months, 1560 weeks, 10950 days on this earth, and since the age of 7 have I been happy with the way I look. I remember it very clearly, it was summer time, June I believe, I was eating a cherry flavored popsicle, I had a pink shirt on with a frog on it and some red shorts, I was getting ready to ride my bike and someone said to me that I should “loose that belly fat now, because it will be much harder to do so when you’re older.” That day I started my first “diet”, or my interpretation of what a diet was which was essentially not eating. And since that day, I’ve been either been on some form of a diet or using some form of food control. It is devastating to me to think how much of my time I have spent hating myself for the way I look, finding myself disgusting or being disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror, how many thoughts were wasted on depriving myself of happiness for vanity. What is so sad to me is that while my parents did not last, they loved me, they loved one another, they were just happy that I had 10 fingers and 10 toes and that I could see and hear and speak and I’ve spent the majority of my life hating every other part of me.

I bring this up only because I have to wonder what damage I’ve caused myself with all the starving and excessive exercise and diet pills and crazy diet fads, I must wonder am I healthy enough to have a child? Am I healthy enough mentally to be able to enjoy the physical aspects of pregnancy or will I despise myself even then. And more importantly, would I be strong enough to teach my daughter that she is beautiful no matter what, can I teach a son that beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes, and if I can do that, how much of a hypocrite will it make me if I am still struggling with being happy with myself?