They weren’t kidding were they? Those who said eventually I’d begin to hear it, the clock that is. Wow, it’s beginning to sound less and less like a tic-toc-tic-toc and more like a BONG! BONG! BONG! I find myself perusing the cribs and baby stuff at target more and more. A friend posted something a few months ago about 35 being the age where the increase in birth defects rise as well as harm to the mother, I realize that is pretty standard and well it also varies depending upon how well you take care of yourself.
But this brought me to another realization, and a sad one at that, I’m 30 (no, that’s not the sad part), the fact is I am 30 years old and never, not one day, since the age of 7, in my entire life has there ever been even a single moment where I was not unhappy with my body. I have spent 30 years, 360 months, 1560 weeks, 10950 days on this earth, and since the age of 7 have I been happy with the way I look. I remember it very clearly, it was summer time, June I believe, I was eating a cherry flavored popsicle, I had a pink shirt on with a frog on it and some red shorts, I was getting ready to ride my bike and someone said to me that I should “loose that belly fat now, because it will be much harder to do so when you’re older.” That day I started my first “diet”, or my interpretation of what a diet was which was essentially not eating. And since that day, I’ve been either been on some form of a diet or using some form of food control. It is devastating to me to think how much of my time I have spent hating myself for the way I look, finding myself disgusting or being disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror, how many thoughts were wasted on depriving myself of happiness for vanity. What is so sad to me is that while my parents did not last, they loved me, they loved one another, they were just happy that I had 10 fingers and 10 toes and that I could see and hear and speak and I’ve spent the majority of my life hating every other part of me.
I bring this up only because I have to wonder what damage I’ve caused myself with all the starving and excessive exercise and diet pills and crazy diet fads, I must wonder am I healthy enough to have a child? Am I healthy enough mentally to be able to enjoy the physical aspects of pregnancy or will I despise myself even then. And more importantly, would I be strong enough to teach my daughter that she is beautiful no matter what, can I teach a son that beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes, and if I can do that, how much of a hypocrite will it make me if I am still struggling with being happy with myself?
The Charlie Calendar Lives On!
2 months ago
i thought for a second your clock had stopped cuz the last few times there's been baby talk you seemed freaked by the thought! but ah, hormones, they are quite the rollercoaster ride.
ReplyDeletei relate to the body image issues---being older and looking back on how much time, energy, and emotional turmoil i've spent on obsessing over my weight...you can't help but get a little bummed. and what makes it worse is that i too haven't put all that shit behind me.
it sucks, but you (and by you, i mean any person out there who has struggled with body image) can't spend all your time being upset about the past---the trick is trying your hardest to break the cycle...we're still young enough to turn things around! i'm just thankful that i realized all of this now and not when i was 50+.
but i too have a laundry list of changes i want to make before i try to get preggers/delve into parenthood. i need to lose a good 20 lbs. because i am waaay too short and joint-achy, and i don't want to spend 9 months looking like a blueberry and be in constant discomfort/pain. once this stupid pulled abdominal muscle fully heals, i plan on making my back stronger. there's way more, but i'll spare you all the details!
I feel your pain, Mo. My grandma first commented that "you're a little chubby one, aren't ya", when I was about 9 or 10. I've ALWAYS been aware of my weight and how others perceive me. It sucks that our society places so much pressure on women to be stick figures. Can't say I've never chased that goal.
ReplyDeleteWhen I got pregnant, I was actually happy with my body. But as soon as I started gaining weight...for the first time in my life, I didn't care. I knew my child was growing and healthy and if I had to sacrifice an ideal(to whom?) body image for that, then so be it. My new body is a reminder that I have the greatest gift ever, a child, and just because I'm not a size 4 or 6 anymore, it's not the end of the world. Max still loves me and my baby loves me and that's all that matters !
While I say this, I am still counting my calories and trying to lose all of this baby weight! Ha! Seriously though, it's a vicious cycle, but in the end, you'll have the greatest thing in the world to look at and love and pass down your wisdom to.
Another round of concurrage, please. You are so beautiful, and it breaks my heart that you've spent so much time on this. In spite of that, you will definitely be able to have a healthy baby, and secondly, I am confident you will not impart in her the same preoccupation or a negative self-image if for any reason the fact that you have realized the impact it has had on you.
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