it's time

it's time i talk about it. i must purge these emotions and thoughts from my system before they enter the deepest darkest parts of my soul and release their poison into me, forever scarring me.

b is doing well, better than i, and even the doctors expected. but he still has his good days and his bad days. yesterday, my first day back at the office, was a bad day. and he finds himself frustrated with his progress, or in his words "lack of progress". seeing him like that, angry, bitter and vulnerable, is horrifying. it is during these moments that i remember that i could have lost him forever, and i remember to thank the lord and to remind myself and b just how lucky we are and how grateful we should be.

the thought of loosing him, was something i never fully allowed myself to think about, not truly, not in its entirety, with its bottomless pit of despair. i couldn't fully allow myself to think it for fear that even thinking it could make it happen. it's funny how when we are faced with situations that are out of our control, we become people who pray religiously or the "superstitious type" - well i was both and i assure you i did not step on any cracks and my hands remained firmly within one another's grasp.

so by allowing myself to think about it now - now that it has past and he is here with me, where he belongs - helps me stand even stronger and makes me want to fight harder and longer for him, and for us than ever before. because i know, i know, in my bones that he is my soul mate, he is my lobster, he is me and i am him. while we do not define one another, i would be lost and incomplete without him. i cannot imagine life without him and i know that while i could have gone on, it wouldn't have been a life, it would have been one meaningless day after another.

years from now, when we look back on our first year of marriage, i hope we will be able to laugh at all we went through. and i know that this year, this rough start we've been given, i know it will allow us to weather all the other storms that will surely come.

so thank you, lord, God, almighty powers that be, the Goddess, the Buddha the whomever, whatever you are. thank you for giving him, me and us another chance.

these parts make a whole.

in response to dana's challenge, here are my seven things.

1. when i was in grade school, i was in a spelling bee contest. i made it to the city finals, one of the last five. i lost on "cornucopia", i believe i placed an "A" or "I" where the "U" is. give me a break, i was 8 or 9. GEEZ!

2. i'm too afraid to go a therapist because, what if all the things i've successfully buried and forgotten about won't stop coming out and i have a nervous breakdown.

3. i wonder if i will ever experience complete and total happiness. by that i mean, that there isn't one thing in my world that i'm not not happy with. i'm sure they call that place heaven.

4. i want kids, but i'm afraid that i'll fail on some awesome level and that i'll find out that i really can't hack it as a parent and i'll be that mom that runs off.

5. my childhood career dreams were, veterinarian, child psychologist, attorney, international business trader and fashion designer. i had totally forgotten about the fashion designer part, until my mom unearthed some of my "sketches" and i must say that i wasn't bad, in fact at least three of the dresses i sketched, i've seen designed by various houses over the last ten years.

6. when i played "doctor" as a child, i never did it with a boy, it was always with my girl friends. is that creepy, or just a sign of things to come?

7. while there are many things on my "bucket list", really the one thing i want to do, the most important thing to do before i die is find my half brother and sister. my biological father was married before my mom, he had two kids a boy, name charles and a little girl, both were taken away by the state of florida because of my father and his first wives drug use. charles was about 10 and the little girl was just about a year old. i have a brother out there somewhere, who is about 40 and a sister who is about 32. i know nothing other than their parents' names, and their approximate dates of birth, and two pictures. i wanted to do this before my grandmother died, but it proved much more expensive and much more difficult than i anticipated.

THE END!