diet, shmeit.

If I bring myself to think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, I've been on a diet on and off since the age of about 12. I'm fairly lucky that I've never really had to cut something totally out of my life; I've been known to eat my share of pizza and brownies, etc. But somehow, I gained almost 30 pounds in the last 3 years...obviously I KNEW it was happening because I couldn't fit into any of my jeans anymore, but I'm not really sure HOW exactly it happened. I guess food and laziness are the major causes, but I don't really recall eating more at every meal in the last few years than I did before. Now that I want to exercise, my knees hurt, my chins hurt, my elbow and shoulders pop. Getting old really is a beeotch! Youth, why must you mock me?

So close, yet still so far.

I've often wondered how I would have turned out had my father stayed alive. What kind of influence would he have had upon me? My mother has been such a huge part of my life and has really shaped who I am now. My mother has also done her best to tell me as much about my father, both good and bad, to help fill in the gaps. Regardless, I have always felt slightly incomplete, never really knowing who I am and where I came from. To hear someone say "you get that from your dad" is amazing, but also heartbreaking, I want to know that I get that from my dad, by seeing it myself. This is of course not to discount my dad Jerry, the only dad I've ever known and for all intents and purposes, he is my dad and I love him, but it's not the same. I hate to say that, it makes me feel ungrateful, selfish and spoiled, but it's the way I feel. My dad is with me always and I know that. I carry his memory in my heart and my head every day and I look at his picture every day....but I would give anything to spend one day with him, to hear his laugh, look into his eyes and give him a hug. I can't help but wonder if the pain I feel now never having known him would be greatly increased if I had or if pain is pain. Still, I'd take that chance.

Avoidance

I have two papers I have to write. One, rough draft that is due this coming Monday and the final draft that is due in 2 weeks - the other paper is due next Saturday. Ugh. I HATE writing papers. In fact, I'm sure this is why I have decided NOT to attend law school. I hate writing papers so much, that the thought of writing and researching briefs just makes me nauseous. Now, time to form a new dream at 30 years old...uhm...what do I want to be when I grow up?

ladies......

I’d like to take a few moments to recognize the amazing women in my life, for without them, I wouldn’t be where I am, who I am or make it through most days.

Mom – thank you for being my mom and turning into my best friend, who knew that was even possible.

And now on to my hetero life-mates:

Dana – Where do I even begin? How can I put it into words? It all started with a road trip, and here we are, 6 years later. I couldn’t live without your one-liners and our heart-to-hearts. I love you.

Jax – My fellow Virgo. We’ve been through a lot, and apparently we are more similar than either one of us realizes. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes; you’d be amazed at the woman that stands before. I love you.

Kerry – I’m so happy to have grown so close to you. You really have no idea how amazing you are. I love you.

Amy – We went from just acquaintances to friends and I’m marring your ex and your fiancée is making our wedding cakes. What a funny way to become such good friends. I love you.

Jill – Upon first meeting you who would have thought, that the person who brought us together would no longer be in either one of our lives. You are an amazing woman, mother and friend. My only complaint is that I don’t get to see enough of you. I love you.

Crystal – Growing up, you were always my favorite cousin and the proximity of our ages allowed for that. After all we’ve been through, us and our families, I love you more and more. You are stronger than you realize. I love you.

frenemy

I really didn't think I subscribed to this. But, I, believe I unwittingly, became apart of a "frenemy" relationship. Luckily, this wasn’t a person I really associated with outside of the office. I always considered our relationship to be one that was just office related; talking, laughing, sometimes lunch or drinks after. And because we talked and laughed and worked closely together, and there was never any competition or jealousy on my part, I assumed we had a “work friendship” – one that existed in the office and if this person really needed me outside of that, I’d have been there, but it was a friendship, nonetheless. Slowly, I began to see her true personality emerge.

1) manipulative - going out to lunch with people, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu and then saying, “oh, I don’t have any money.” WHO THE EFF does that?!?!?!

2) jealousy – if I was in a conversation with someone else in the office, she’d come wandering in wanting to know what we were talking about, interject her opinions and of course, she always knew EVERYTHING there was to know about EVERYTHING.

3) gossip girl – I’m talking high school here, talking trash about everyone behind their backs, of course I could only wonder what was being said behind mine.

4) social climber – befriending those that she thought could get her something better and turning her back on those that helped her get where she was.

5) total instability – you never knew what you were going to get, most days she was fine, but there were those days was totally unapproachable! I don’t mean “someone’s having a case of the Monday’s” type mood, think more along the lines of “psycho – stab you in the shower” type moods, yelling and screaming and crying.

This person no longer works with us, regardless I felt horribly that she didn’t have a job and tried to keep in touch, offering my recommendation, etc. She would text intermittently about nothing and that was it. Then it hit me one day, how I never thought I’d met one of “those” women. One capable of creating and being in a “frenemy” relationship; one who was willing to do anything to get ahead, even if it meant stepping on others, one with such a sense of entitlement and most importantly, one who has NO idea that anything she does is wrong. Such an unhealthy way of life, and a sad one at that, you will never know yourself, and no one will ever really get to know you because you refuse to believe that you have ever done anything wrong. In your eyes, you are owed something, anything and everything. I feel horribly sad for you, one day you will look in the mirror and realize that all your failures were at your own hands. I hope on that day, you have at least one REAL friend around

I'm movin' on up.

Making the switch to blogger. Lets see if I can keep this up for a week, OR in my life is just way more interesting in my head than on the screen.