So close, yet still so far.

I've often wondered how I would have turned out had my father stayed alive. What kind of influence would he have had upon me? My mother has been such a huge part of my life and has really shaped who I am now. My mother has also done her best to tell me as much about my father, both good and bad, to help fill in the gaps. Regardless, I have always felt slightly incomplete, never really knowing who I am and where I came from. To hear someone say "you get that from your dad" is amazing, but also heartbreaking, I want to know that I get that from my dad, by seeing it myself. This is of course not to discount my dad Jerry, the only dad I've ever known and for all intents and purposes, he is my dad and I love him, but it's not the same. I hate to say that, it makes me feel ungrateful, selfish and spoiled, but it's the way I feel. My dad is with me always and I know that. I carry his memory in my heart and my head every day and I look at his picture every day....but I would give anything to spend one day with him, to hear his laugh, look into his eyes and give him a hug. I can't help but wonder if the pain I feel now never having known him would be greatly increased if I had or if pain is pain. Still, I'd take that chance.