totha.

a little update on things for you all.

b. he is doing well on his new meds, he is much happier with the new rx. none of those other issues, now he only has to combat being tired, but he's discovered the beauty of earl grey at 2 p.m.

school. this semester is nearing the end, thank goodness! i passed my last stats test with a b, giving me an overall b in the class, so that is one less final i have to take. i'm done with my tech writing class too, no final there either. only have to finish up my research paper on "the benefits of harm reduction and legalizing drugs" and a final in that class. and then a final in my understanding child abuse and neglect class - oh - the paper i did for that class "Who is responsible for child abuse and neglect in each of its forms and how can each cause potentially be prevented and treated?" - well apparently the prof was so impressed by it he asked to publish it for the class (it's an on-line course) and he asked to pass if he could pass it to some of his colleagues and at upcoming child abuse prevention conventions. needless to say, i'm elated at the prospect of "the powers that be" reading this paper. hey, sometimes you have to toot your own horn!

work. well, nothing has changed here. in fact, it keeps getting worse. it's a horrible thing to have worked with someone for so long and feel such contempt for that person. and to never know if and when someone is telling the truth. i'm desperate to find another job. so if you know of anything, send them my way!

friends. my friends keep inspiring me. many of them have had some amazing things happen as of late - new house for instance, new job/internship, being amazing moms. i only wish i could see you all more.

Paciencia y Fe

Patience and faith. I’m finding myself having to given in to these two little things more and more as of late. As you may or may not know, b will be having surgery at some point, probably about 6 months. So, on one hand it’s great news that it doesn’t have to be removed right away. On the other hand, I will be sitting with the knowledge for the next 6 months that at some point, any point, b could have a seizure or a stroke or even die from this thing in his brain. And that at the end of the road is him going under the knife. Just the thought of him having part of his skull removed and someone going in there with a knife and removing part of his brain is a terrifying thought. The thought of what if the neurosurgeon sneezes or coughs, just one little slip could be detrimental. Not to mention that the location of the cavernoma is in the personality portion of his brain, so there is a small chance that he could come out a totally different person.

While the thought of surgery and an end to this situation gives b piece of mind, I can do nothing but think of the worst. And I find myself thinking that I should really take the time in the next 6 months to be with him and spend more time with him and cherish what we have, really really focus on it. Because in 6 months he could not be here, in 6 months he may be alive but he may not be the b I know, the one I fell in love with, in 6 months our worlds could change forever. And of course there is the thought, that I haven’t allowed myself to say out loud, and I can’t even type it here, but there is the chance that something MAJOR could go wrong. But as I said, I cannot really even allow myself to think about that.

So here are some numbers for you, by order of least importance to the most important thing in the world to me:

907 unread emails at work

200 items on the “to do” items at work

13 voicemails to return

8 personal emails to respond to

4 school assignments left

3 weeks left in this semester

1 b, the only one for me.

It ain't rocket science, it's brain surgery

so it's official b has a mass in his brain, they are almost positive that is what caused his seizure early Wednesday morning. we have an appointment with a neurosurgeon on monday at 1 p.m. and to say i'm terrified would be an understatement. while they're almost positive it is not a tumor, we are still having to see a neurosurgeon. which makes me believe that the er doc and possibly the neurologist that consulted on b at the er believes that this must come out of b's brain and rather promptly, since we were told me must see one with in 3-5 days of his discharge. i looked up the word "cavernoma" as that is what they are sure it is, and everything i have found says that they fairly normal, it is estimated that about 1/2 the population has them and they never cause any issues. however, for those that do have issues, like seizures, it appears that those cavernoma's are more "active" than others and it is advisable to have them removed as they could begin to bleed out, although, the estimated blood leak is much less than that of an aneurysm.

b is handling all of this rather well, or at least he is on the outside. taking in stride that now he has to take anti-seizure medication, probably for the rest of his life, that has got to be difficult for a man who doesn't even like to take aspirin when he's got a headache. also handling well the fact that he can not drive, well at least until we hear from the neurosurgeon. one thing i am pleased with is that he seems to be more dedicated to quitting smoking than i've seen him before.

and boy, you would be surprised at the thoughts that so quickly pass through your head when you are watching the person you love most in the world suffer, and you'd be even more surprised by the content of these thoughts. my first thought was "but we haven't even had kids yet" quickly followed by "it's not fair, i'm not ready to be without him" followed up with me thinking the worst of the worst possible scenarios and terri schiavo came to mind. and yes i realize how grim that is, but i had no idea what was happening.

and yes, i realize there is no point in worrying about the potential end results, given that there could be so many. but it is really difficult for me not to think of the millions of ways my poor b could be affected by this, so far it's only been the medication and the driving. but if we are talking brain surgery, that is a whole other list of potentials that i am nowhere near ready to face.

speaking words of wisdom...let it be.

Post Secret. I'm not sure how many of my readers read that blogsite too, but I find it sort of cathartic to do on Monday morning's while drinking my coffee. This morning I saw one that made me stop my scroll wheel. "My greatest desire is to love my life as I'm living it."

All I can say is wow.

I spend so much of my day griping, b*tching and moaning about one thing or another; how tired I am from work and school - HEY BUDDY - at least I have a job and I have the opportunity to go to school!; how disgusted I am with one aspect of my body or another - HEY BUDDY - you're healthy and you've got a great man who loves you no matter what!; how I wish I had or made more $$$ - HEY BUDDY - at least you have some money and make a decent living oh and yeah, you've got luxuries like a house and a car and more than one pair of shoes and clothes and food to eat on the daily and you can still afford to donate to charitable causes of your choice!

So yeah, all in all I guess my life is pretty grand. That is not to say that I will stop striving for better, but as the quote says "love my life as I'm living it." WOW!

inspiration.

I finally decided on a color to paint the dining room. It's called Antique Purple, and it is devine! The perfect mix of purple and gray, so I will get my purple dining room and b will not really notice that it's a purple dining room! Here is a sample of the color...or pretty close to it:

So, now time to decorate this piece. I love the idea of white/purple or gray/purple and black,white/purple. But given that this is a pretty gray color, and the dining room furniture is dark wood, I think I may have to lighten it up a bit with the curtains and rug and accessories. So, I'm thinking about these curtains:

B/W Damask

Gray Velvet

Eggplant

Or do I go with just plain white curtains? Thoughts?

long weekend....

it was easter weekend, which means good friday, which means three day weekend. given that i was so ill last week, i debated going into the office on friday, for about 5 minutes and then remembered how difficult it's been there, and i decided to take the day off. easter weekend always brings me back to being a child, and it sort of saddens me that i no longer am at a church. catholicism and i parted ways many years ago, as has most organized religion and i. that is not to say that i am not aware of the "gap" in my life. i'm fully aware of whats missing and it's faith. faith brings hope and it makes everything nice and shiny. it makes you believe in the good in humanity and love to all living things. i'd love to feel that again, my heart is open to it. am i far to cynical to accept it, though? am i too far gone a skeptic to truly believe? we shall see, i'm planning on attending some church services soon, i'm not sure just where yet. until then, have a little faith, eh?

spring cleaning

my system that is. wowzers. i just got over what i'm sure is the worst. case. of. stomach flu. ever! i never want to feel like that again. it hurt so bad, at one point i grab b's hand and said "if this is what child birth is like, count me out!" for seers. no dice. but i'm back. i'm 30 and i like to kick, stretch and kick, i'm 30!