It ain't rocket science, it's brain surgery

so it's official b has a mass in his brain, they are almost positive that is what caused his seizure early Wednesday morning. we have an appointment with a neurosurgeon on monday at 1 p.m. and to say i'm terrified would be an understatement. while they're almost positive it is not a tumor, we are still having to see a neurosurgeon. which makes me believe that the er doc and possibly the neurologist that consulted on b at the er believes that this must come out of b's brain and rather promptly, since we were told me must see one with in 3-5 days of his discharge. i looked up the word "cavernoma" as that is what they are sure it is, and everything i have found says that they fairly normal, it is estimated that about 1/2 the population has them and they never cause any issues. however, for those that do have issues, like seizures, it appears that those cavernoma's are more "active" than others and it is advisable to have them removed as they could begin to bleed out, although, the estimated blood leak is much less than that of an aneurysm.

b is handling all of this rather well, or at least he is on the outside. taking in stride that now he has to take anti-seizure medication, probably for the rest of his life, that has got to be difficult for a man who doesn't even like to take aspirin when he's got a headache. also handling well the fact that he can not drive, well at least until we hear from the neurosurgeon. one thing i am pleased with is that he seems to be more dedicated to quitting smoking than i've seen him before.

and boy, you would be surprised at the thoughts that so quickly pass through your head when you are watching the person you love most in the world suffer, and you'd be even more surprised by the content of these thoughts. my first thought was "but we haven't even had kids yet" quickly followed by "it's not fair, i'm not ready to be without him" followed up with me thinking the worst of the worst possible scenarios and terri schiavo came to mind. and yes i realize how grim that is, but i had no idea what was happening.

and yes, i realize there is no point in worrying about the potential end results, given that there could be so many. but it is really difficult for me not to think of the millions of ways my poor b could be affected by this, so far it's only been the medication and the driving. but if we are talking brain surgery, that is a whole other list of potentials that i am nowhere near ready to face.