Patience and faith. I’m finding myself having to given in to these two little things more and more as of late. As you may or may not know, b will be having surgery at some point, probably about 6 months. So, on one hand it’s great news that it doesn’t have to be removed right away. On the other hand, I will be sitting with the knowledge for the next 6 months that at some point, any point, b could have a seizure or a stroke or even die from this thing in his brain. And that at the end of the road is him going under the knife. Just the thought of him having part of his skull removed and someone going in there with a knife and removing part of his brain is a terrifying thought. The thought of what if the neurosurgeon sneezes or coughs, just one little slip could be detrimental. Not to mention that the location of the cavernoma is in the personality portion of his brain, so there is a small chance that he could come out a totally different person.
While the thought of surgery and an end to this situation gives b piece of mind, I can do nothing but think of the worst. And I find myself thinking that I should really take the time in the next 6 months to be with him and spend more time with him and cherish what we have, really really focus on it. Because in 6 months he could not be here, in 6 months he may be alive but he may not be the b I know, the one I fell in love with, in 6 months our worlds could change forever. And of course there is the thought, that I haven’t allowed myself to say out loud, and I can’t even type it here, but there is the chance that something MAJOR could go wrong. But as I said, I cannot really even allow myself to think about that.
So here are some numbers for you, by order of least importance to the most important thing in the world to me:
907 unread emails at work
200 items on the “to do” items at work
13 voicemails to return
8 personal emails to respond to
4 school assignments left
3 weeks left in this semester
1 b, the only one for me.
The Charlie Calendar Lives On!
2 months ago
how dare you make me cry with this entry! Damn you! I know it is so scary, but you've got to try to give yourself over to that something bigger than you, and just enjoy the next six months, and the rest of your life for that matter! What ifs won't stop anything from happening, nor will they induce anything to happen either. I'm so proud of b for seeming so matter of fact about surgery, but I can't say I'm surprised. He seems to be pretty practical about everything and never wastes time worrying about what he can't change. He will be fine. He will be the same. I mean it when I say I will be wherever I need to be when this goes down. You let me know! And also, I really wish you would find 30 minutes to carve out for a quick run or some yoga. You need to center. It will only make you better for the rest of the day or week and give you some strength to handle this. Let me know if I can do anything at all.
ReplyDeleteDitto with all that Dana said. She said it perfectly! I also will be wherever and do whatever is needed when the big day arrives. Anything at all - I'm there. We're all there. I'm sure you already know, but you guys have all the support in the world ready and willing to help out in any way possible.
ReplyDeletewhat dana and amy said!
ReplyDeleteand yes, i think it's crucial to your well-being for you to find that thing (or things) to keep you out of your head as much as possible. easier said than done, but worrying about the unknown will drive you batty.