Perspective

At the risk of sounding like SJP in SITC – I’m beginning to wonder if it is really possible for to “have it all”. By that I mean: a good career, a loving relationship, children, family and friends – and more importantly, TIME for all of those things.

Obviously I need a job, I want a job, I like the feeling of contributing to a company or a firm’s or a teams success (not to mention that there are bills that must be paid). I think the key to that is finding something that you love to do. I still haven’t found that yet, but I’ve still got time and I’m trying to make the best of what I’ve got.

The parts to a good relationship can vary from person to person that you ask, as the necessities and requirements for each person is different. For me it’s one part B (yup, I really lucked out there, still trying to figure out how I got so lucky!) one part well, me, we really work together well and it seems like the rest just falls into place. Actually, our relationship is and always has been pretty easy going. Most of that is because, B is a patient, patient man and puts up with all of my idiosyncrasies. But, like most people, we find that it’s hard to spend time together, the good reconnecting time and everyone needs that. Now that school is in and that I’m taking a full load it’s even harder. Poor guy gets put to the wayside because I’ve got to study, and he gets it, in the long run it will all be worth it, but it’s really difficult now. Even when school isn’t in session, it’s always something, some other obligation pulling you in another direction; a work function, someone’s birthday, house cleaning, vet appointments, etc. the two days of the weekend tend to packed full fairly quickly. So how do you keep a relationship going strong for many years to come? I don’t know, but I’m glad I’ve got a great partner to help me figure it out.

Children. Kids. Babies. Grandchildren. Little ones. Padfoots. Ankle biters. Mini mo’s. Mini B’s. These are just a few of the names that various people have asked if we (B&I) would be having. This thought still seems so far away and still terrifying. Really. I can feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on any time I really think about it. That is probably a good indicator that I am no way near ready to be a mommy. And again, this goes back to time. How do you work, find time for yourself, for your spouse and for your kids and time to sleep!?!?! Really? This all seems so foreign and strange to me. Moms, please tell me how you do this.

Family. Everyone who knows me, knows I adore my mommy. She is more like my BFF. And I love our mommy/daughter dates that we have. But even those seem few and far between our daily phone calls have turned into maybe once or twice a week. Again, life gets in the way. And when I’m with her, sometimes, I find myself too tired to really enjoy myself or I find myself treating her like a child and find her excitement or inability to understand something almost unbearable. I do NOT want to feel that. I’ve done this to myself, I put the weight of the world on my shoulders to the point that it makes me irritable towards those I love. Apparently I really enjoy being the martyr. So, how do I stop this pattern? Soliciting advice here.

riends. It seems that the time I get to see my friends is fewer and fewer. Yes, I am very much aware that we all have our own lives to lead. Some with children, some with other things occupying their time, and most doing what B & I do, enjoying spending time with one another as it doesn’t happen often. Yet, I find myself sometimes drifting apart from those I desire to be closer to. I find myself jealous of the time they are able to spend with one another without me, but is just because I miss them and love them and wish that I could spend more time with them.
So, how does one accomplish all of these things at once? How does one have an even distribution of time and energy to devote to each of these things? I look around and some seem like they have it down to a science and others do struggle. I realize that life isn’t perfect and that is the days you expect to go smoothly that the car ends up breaking down. But I guess it’s all about perspective. Great! How do I get some of that?

I’m all out of love….

For my job that is. I seriously can not take this anymore. I sent out my resume to about 7 places last night. It’s unacceptable to sit in your office and cry, out of frustration, for most of the day. It’s unacceptable to be so miserable at work you have to shut yourself in your office for fear that you’ll say the wrong thing to the wrong person. And I loose respect for my boss every day – all these little lies that she says – there is no reason to lie, not to me or anyone that you work with we are all grown ups and can handle the truth. There has always been too much work for me to do, but at least I’ve always had 40 hours to do it in and the option of OT, at this place it’s a 37.5 hour work week and no OT. So I’m at a disadvantage already loosing 2.5 hours a week to do my work and not having the option of OT to do it either. Not to mention the loss of OT has hurt my wallet too. I am even considering taking a pay cut just so I can be somewhere else and have peace of mind. I feel stuck, I cannot talk to K about any of this because she is a different person, she is not the approachable person she once was. I catch her lies all the time, little ones, big ones, really insignificant ones. I’m not sure who this person is and I am loosing respect for her daily. I am unsure where this is all going but I know that I do not want to be apart of it. So I keep asking for guidance and it is leading me away. Hopefully something will pan out.

On another note – school starts today, while I originally only was registered to take 3 classes, I signed on for a fourth. So I’m taking 12 hours, I’m a bit nervous because I’ve never done that before and it seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m SO ready to be finished with school!!!

Lastly – the half-marathon was on Sunday and I actually finished it. It only took me 311 or about 14.5 minute miles. Not the best times I’ve had…but it’s a start. I think this is the latest of my addictions!

Hopin' and wishin' and prayin'

Towards the end of last year (which, really I’m talking about less than one week ago) I was feeling very lost in life. Don’t get me wrong there are aspects of my life in which I never ponder over (my life with B, my family and friends) but work is another story. The move to the new firm really unnerved me, had me searching myself if this was a right fit for me. It was difficult to acclimate to a place with so many rules and regulations after having spent the last seven years at places where we could come and go as we pleased and were under a protected umbrella. This new firm was a lot of change, and there was no lag time, it was jump on or fall off. So, me feeling scared, like I may not make it here, I put myself out there (in the way of my resume) I met a few folks and got interviewed, and while it’s always good to dust of that jacket every once in a while. I fear I may have shot myself in the foot. The legal community is a small one, and I can tell someone all I want that I do not want my employer to know that I am looking, but that doesn’t mean they won’t ask a friend of a friend who knows that person.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a shift in things at the office. K simply stopped speaking with me, would pass by my office saying hello to everyone except me and when I would speak with her it was short. Granted, this was probably very much a two way street (I couldn’t understand how she could choose to move to a place such as this, so I was mad and hurt and scared and because of that, I believe I began to distance myself from her for fear that I may say something I’d regret) anyhow, there was a growing distance between us, personally and professionally. As I mentioned we were (are) barely speaking and last week I noticed she was no longer giving me work to do, in fact, she hadn’t given me work in almost 3 weeks. All the work that would normally go to me was going to T and C. I was a bit bothered by this and so I inquired about it. I asked whether or not I had done something to upset her or if my work product has suffered and there was an issue that she may want to discuss or if there was a shift in roles happening to please let me know so I am sure to follow the correct protocol. I mean given the fact that she wasn’t speaking with me AND I wasn’t getting any work form her I don’t feel that this was an out of line or out of the blue type of question, anyhow, she assured me that neither was the case and that was that. But still no work, I did some discussing with T and we are of the mindset that K knows that I met with a few folks and that perhaps she is protecting herself and her interests (as was I when I took a couple of meetings), but I feel on one hand that I’m being punished by K. And this coming from someone who has always told me that “business is business”, not to mention the fact that IF, IF I was to go I would NEVER leave her or the team in a bad way, I’d need a minimum of 3 weeks to ensure I had time with someone for proper training. So, I’m not sure what to make of all of these goings on at the office and because of that I have been so tired and sick even, not wanting to get out of bed to go to the office for fear of what may or may not occur that day.

So not wanting to start this year off like that, and given the fact that I asked her if there was an issue and was told no, I did something last night I hadn't done in years....I prayed. Prayed for guidance and direction in the new year, prayed for patience and acceptance of whatever may come. I must say that this morning I was less anxious about coming in to the office. And no, I am not saying that there is a direct correlation and should be attributed to some miracle of the divine, but I do feel that the approach of “Que Sera’ Sera’” is a very nice one to have. I will try to have this more in my every day life, I know it will be difficult as I am a control freak, especially when it comes to MY life.

Now there is the matter of the fact that I share MY life with someone, and that that person has HIS life. He is also dealing with some uneasiness at work, the big W may or may not be doing another restructuring of things and B may or may not have to re-interview for a job and he may or may not get that job and if he doesn’t he may or may not have a job and may or may not be pink slipped. Now, all of this leads me to the fact that poor B has not only this to deal with and think of constantly (because we all know how the rumor mill spins, most especially in a corporate setting) so it’s hard not to think of the worst case scenario (which for me is moving back in with my parents and having to keep the four dogs outside and for him is having to take a job he doesn’t want just so he has one). So, poor B has been shouldering this on his own, as have I….see I didn’t want to ask him about it because I didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already may or may not have been and he was all in his head about it….so tensions built and there was a much needed discussion, he didn’t want to worry me about it by talking about it and I didn’t want to worry him by talking about it, so it didn’t get talked about and we were both in our own heads worried about it. I am super blessed to have him in my life, let alone that I’m lucky enough to call him my husband.

So, here is to hope. Hoping that this year will be better than the last, that I will be a better person and that whatever happens really is for the best. Hoping that the memories made last year and that the memory of those lost do not fade away. Hope that I can relinquish some of the control I want to have over everything in my life and leave some of it to chance or fate or God…whatever it is that you believe in.

Top 10 things I can’t live without

I find that the closer to the end of the year it becomes, the more I feel the need to take stock in what my life is; what I have, what I need and what is the clutter that I can do without. I thought the best way for me to do this would be to have a top 10 list, Letterman style, of the top 10 things I could not live without.

1. My family - My husband and our pack (yes, really a pack) of dogs. Rufus and I don’t always see eye to eye on this (as he doesn’t understand why he has to “go” outside) but I love them all. My heart would not be complete without them. And, I cannot forget about my amazing parents, for whom my life wouldn’t be possible.

2. My friends – The only thing better than a night with my honey and our four-legged children, is a night with my ladies. One that involves drinks and either a stage and microphone or some dancing (yes, interpretive counts!). These gals, inspire me daily, make me laugh and they’re hard not to love.

3. The house - I love coming home. It's my haven and I’m thankful for it daily. It’s not exactly where I want it to be, but it will get there. And I do not love it any less.

4. Good food – I love cooking it, I love eating it. Whether it’s discovering a new restaurant or a new recipe, it’s all very ethereal and magical to me. (Especially when pairing it with a good glass of wine)

5. Running – Not something I fully embraced until July of this year and I had to go without in November and I could tell that I was cranky and tired without it. That is my time, time to clear my head, time to spend with mya (my running mate) time to let the world fall around me and time to push my body to the limits. Maybe one day, I'll look like this (hey, a gal can dream, right!?!?!)

6. Reading – I don’t care if it’s a magazine, a blog or a book (okay, yes I prefer a good book) but lately I cannot get enough of decorating blogs and zines (see number 3). Every day there is something new to look at and fawn over, I like to think I’m becoming a bit of a design junky.

7. Daydreaming – Whether it be dreaming of the day I’m finished with school and can move on to find a new job, or the day I find out I’m pregnant or the day I sign adoption papers and I’m handed a little child and hear the words “she’s all yours”. Daydreaming keeps me moving, it keeps me motivated.

8. The past – I couldn’t get rid of it if I tried and I don’t want to. I like to thing I’ve finally learned from my mistakes (yes ALL of them) even if it took me 100 times.

9. The feeling of Hope – The feeling of good things left to come, that yes, life isn’t over at 30, it’s just beginning. I get this feeling every time I’m in B’s arms.

10. Love – Yes, I know it’s cheesy and silly really. But without it nothing would be possible. Without it, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t have B, without the love of myself I wouldn’t be back in school or running trying to better myself. Without it the lives of at least 10 dogs wouldn’t have improved. Without love there is no one, there is nothing.

lets get political, i wanna get political, lets get into political.

http://www.slate.com/id/2234017/?gt1=38001

This article makes some good points, although nothing I didn't already feel or think already. The whole mary-jane shitck has always seemed humours to me, I mean to classify it in the same category as LSD or Xcasty seems, well, ludicrous. I mean, I don't smoke pot, not that I think that there is anything wrong with it, but more so because I'm over the whole being out of sorts in my mind part of my life. I have friends that smoke pot and for these guys I really do feel that it helps them un-wind, helps them lead a happier life. I realize that others may disagree and feel that really they are living in a clouded version of a "happy" life, but think about it, what if that guy who ran into that Amish class and killed all of those poor kids, what if he had had a spliff in his glove box - people don't go on shooting sprees when they're high on marijuana, it just doesn't happen. (disclaimer - I'm fairly certain this has never happened, I couldn't find anything on it, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).

And the whole Cuba thing, man, don't folks know that that just made us the "fat kid at the playground" to the rest of the world. There was no need for it, okay, I get it there was the whole "cold war" thing and we cannot forget the failed assassination attempt - but wait a sec aren't we on good terms with Putin, PUTIN people, PUTIN! He makes Castro look like the grandpa from funny shit dad says, hell, Castro basically IS the dood from funny shit my dad says. The trade and travel embargo put on Cuba by the States so many years ago has impacted both countries negatively, any economist can tell you that and any historian would say the same thing. Now, I realize that there is a whole host of reasons that the embargo was put in in the first place, but I think both the people of Cuba and the US would benefit economically and culturally as soon as this embargo is fully lifted.

Now, the gay marriage thing. This is just funny to me, funny because I cannot believe that there is such an uproar about this. Funny because, in this countries very short lifetime we felt the same way about black people, that they were inferior beings to white people. Couldn't attend the same churches or schools, had different bathrooms and water fountains and entrances to stores. And we cannot and must not forget the lynchings, home burnings, and attacks of innocent people. Then came the civil rights movement, and for all we know, without these brave, self-less leaders this country would still be the vicious racist place it once was. Now, I bring up the race thing only because I see a direct line between the rights for black people equal to the rights of gay people, much the same as black people were chased and hosed down and beaten for their cause, you have people like Matthew Shepherd who die in the same vain for just being who they are in their own skin. It was silly and laughable to thing that there was even a time that a black person counted as 1/4 of a person and didn't have the same rights as a white person, I find it equally as silly that a gay woman or man doesn't have the same rights as a straight woman or man. I hope, that somewhere in the very near future we can get over ourselves and see that love is love is love and regardless of your orientation if there are two consenting adults that want to be married - than they should have the right to do so, they should have the right to name their "partner" as their husband or their wife, they should have the right to adopt just as much as the straight couple in the house next to them. I thought that church and state were separate, so how can state put a rule on what the bible says or what God feels?

I am now stepping off my soap box.

can we talk?

Maybe it's the fact that the wedding planning is over and I feel a surge of "free" time or maybe it's that my moms and I went to the Houston Urban Market this past Sunday, and I fell in lurve with lots of stuff, whever it is, I've got it bad.

For seres. I’m in décor searching mode. I’m seriously obsessed with finding the perfect paint for the living room and dining room, I’ve already decided on yellow for the bathroom so that it looks something like this:

And I will own this sink:

And I found this on Etsy that would looks so good in the bathroom next to the above sink:

Thank goodness B lets me have my way when it comes to decorating, I really want a purple dining room, similar to this, although he's not too happy with a dark shad of purple or bright one for that matter:

And in the bedroom, finally decided on a bed, and this is at TARGET:

I haven’t really decided on the living room, yet, I want something pale white or pale gray. But I found this bench on Etsy too, look at that style and that color!?!?! Oh that color!!!!! drool.....

Now I'll get back to work.

a simple kind of life

i find myself more and more attracted to a life away from the city, away from the concrete and steel beams that encompass my everyday life. my latest fantasy is one where we (b & i & the 4 critters of course!) leave it all behind for a beautiful farm in wyoming. one where we could have horses to ride, cows for fresh milk, chickens for fresh eggs. a place i could learn to build fences and run cattle, a place i could learn to become a morning person. i mean really, who wouldn't want to wake up to sights like these on the daily.

and lets not forget that you can find yellowstone here as well.

when i think of raising children, i don't picture it being here. i don't want my kids to be burdened with sounds of sirens every 10 minutes. And having to drive 30 minutes to get to a park or a place where the air is clean and they can be at one with nature. but i wonder if i’d find myself missing the city, the hustle and bustle of it all, i wonder if i would really have more time to be a better person, wife, mom somewhere where life wasn’t so hectic. it’s a nice dream, but i should get back to my current reality.