a sign of the times.

or my age perhaps. it seems as though the second it was 09/02/2009 at 9:06 a.m. i begin to change on a cellular level. the gray hairs began to come in droves and yes, my first real smile line, although if it's only on one side, is it still considered a smile line? i'm finding myself wondering if i will allow myself to grow old gracefully. i have colored by hair for 17 years, and see no need to stop now. my concern is my face, more so the lines and/or wrinkles. i truly find myself debating botox and/or restalyne. how insane is that?

i am not one who looks down on plastic surgery, obviously (hello!!), as long as it's tastefully done and you do it truly for yourself and no one else. while i have been blessed with pretty amazing skin (thanks grandma and dad!), i realize that i am not getting any younger and given that i decided to wait until nearly mid-life to try and finish school, now, for the first time in my life, i find myself wondering if, and at what point my age will become an "issue". i do not think it is that far fetched of a thought, ageism exists, as does sexism and homophobia, etc. but is it time for me to add that to the list of already growing worries?

so, i'm looking into it, i have an appointment today to have another session on my ankle tattoo (i want it gone!), and well what do you know, it's a full service surgical center/medical spa. so, i've also made it a point to meet with the doctor regarding botox/restalyne. just an appointment, i've committed to nothing. but i am curious. nothing wrong with curious, right?

and if you look to your left, you'll see....

what a difference a week makes. i mean really. while i was hating the thought of returning to work this morning, i went, well, refreshed. though i came in to over 500 emails to respond to, i could tell that i was less stressed and i wasn't counting the minutes till the end of the day. so, perhaps i should use my 6 weeks of pto wisely, by taking a week every couple of months or so, most especially since my current employer does not pay you for unused time! while the day ended on a sour note (i found out i bombed my stats test) bummer, but i'll live. anyhow, this is a note to recap on some things i learned last week while on vacay.

1) my new favorite breakfast is a whole wheat english muffin with almond butter and slivers of banana on top (as rachel ray would say "delish and nutrish!")

2) i learned more about addison's disease than i ever cared to know - our problem child, ethyl was diagnosed with addison's disease, essentially it's when the adrenal gland stops producing the hormones that help you in stressful situations. so yes, our 3 year old dog who has never wanted for a thing has a problem dealing with stress!?!? anyone else see the irony here?

3) i adore my husband. no i didn't need a vacay to tell me that, but it was lovely spending so much time with him with no distractions, well except for the ethyl sitch.

4) i can be a serious procrastinator. one of my goals was to get ahead on some school work. needless to say, i didn't.

5) staycations are kind of awesome.

Status...

Well. Things have been busier than usual. Thanks to the 12 hours I’m taking at school and the fact that it’s the mid-term time, it’s been like non-stop working or reading or writing from the time I get up till bed time for the last few weeks.

B is still looking for a job. He’s been “pounding the pavement” of the internet non-stop since news of the lay off, but no luck. He met with an executive recruiter on Thursday, and he seemed to get a lot out of the meeting and walked away with a renewed sense of purpose, so I couldn’t have been happier with that. He has also been gracious and kind enough to assist my dad a few days, by helping him build a wall and a case in the garage at my parent’s house. He seems to enjoy it, and is learning some carpentry skills, so that is kind of cool. He has also decided to go back to school, and this, this makes me happier than anything. While he is currently still deciding on where to go, he has decided that he will return. I am just thrilled at this news, one because I know what a sense of accomplishment I feel after completing just one class, one semester and now that the grand prize is in sight for me, I want him to have the same feeling of accomplishment. I know it will be a rough start, he hasn’t been to school in 13 years, but I know he will be alright and as I said before, I couldn’t be happier about this outcome. I am still unsure of what will happen job wise, and that’s a little frightening, mainly because the paid administrative leave is up in 32 days. Granted, he will have the severance, but we haven’t fully discussed what is happening with that either. And while I know the my salary will cover all household expenses, well, it’s a bit daunting to have that on your shoulders, especially when I’m in a place that I am so unhappy, work-wise that is. But I will take the sunshine of his decision to return to school as a sign that things will happen, it may be slower than either of us would have liked, but they will happen.

Speaking of school, I really am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Still kicking myself for waiting so long to return, but better late than never. My 12 hours are going well; it’s a lot of work but so worth the reward. I am still planning on attending both summer sessions, for one or two classes each, and since B and I decided not to go on our honeymoon until he is fully settled in a job, it works perfectly as I won’t have to worry about scheduling the trip around classes. If I can continue with the 12 hours each semester I should be finished in one years’ time. Unbelievable. It really is attainable, that little piece of paper that means so much and will hopefully open some doors, really is in within my reach. And, I’m already looking at grad schools, weighing my options, it turns out only a two colleges in Houston offer a Masters in Human Resources, but there are many Universities that have on-line classes where I could obtain an MBA with a specialization in HR. Some of which I’d be required to take the GRE and some I wouldn’t. The fact is I’m a horrible test taker, more specifically a horrible standardized test taker. I did well on my SAT’s and my ACT, but I had to take them both twice. But I still have time to figure this all out. Right?

Hypocrisy at it’s finest?

They weren’t kidding were they? Those who said eventually I’d begin to hear it, the clock that is. Wow, it’s beginning to sound less and less like a tic-toc-tic-toc and more like a BONG! BONG! BONG! I find myself perusing the cribs and baby stuff at target more and more. A friend posted something a few months ago about 35 being the age where the increase in birth defects rise as well as harm to the mother, I realize that is pretty standard and well it also varies depending upon how well you take care of yourself.

But this brought me to another realization, and a sad one at that, I’m 30 (no, that’s not the sad part), the fact is I am 30 years old and never, not one day, since the age of 7, in my entire life has there ever been even a single moment where I was not unhappy with my body. I have spent 30 years, 360 months, 1560 weeks, 10950 days on this earth, and since the age of 7 have I been happy with the way I look. I remember it very clearly, it was summer time, June I believe, I was eating a cherry flavored popsicle, I had a pink shirt on with a frog on it and some red shorts, I was getting ready to ride my bike and someone said to me that I should “loose that belly fat now, because it will be much harder to do so when you’re older.” That day I started my first “diet”, or my interpretation of what a diet was which was essentially not eating. And since that day, I’ve been either been on some form of a diet or using some form of food control. It is devastating to me to think how much of my time I have spent hating myself for the way I look, finding myself disgusting or being disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror, how many thoughts were wasted on depriving myself of happiness for vanity. What is so sad to me is that while my parents did not last, they loved me, they loved one another, they were just happy that I had 10 fingers and 10 toes and that I could see and hear and speak and I’ve spent the majority of my life hating every other part of me.

I bring this up only because I have to wonder what damage I’ve caused myself with all the starving and excessive exercise and diet pills and crazy diet fads, I must wonder am I healthy enough to have a child? Am I healthy enough mentally to be able to enjoy the physical aspects of pregnancy or will I despise myself even then. And more importantly, would I be strong enough to teach my daughter that she is beautiful no matter what, can I teach a son that beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes, and if I can do that, how much of a hypocrite will it make me if I am still struggling with being happy with myself?

Perspective

At the risk of sounding like SJP in SITC – I’m beginning to wonder if it is really possible for to “have it all”. By that I mean: a good career, a loving relationship, children, family and friends – and more importantly, TIME for all of those things.

Obviously I need a job, I want a job, I like the feeling of contributing to a company or a firm’s or a teams success (not to mention that there are bills that must be paid). I think the key to that is finding something that you love to do. I still haven’t found that yet, but I’ve still got time and I’m trying to make the best of what I’ve got.

The parts to a good relationship can vary from person to person that you ask, as the necessities and requirements for each person is different. For me it’s one part B (yup, I really lucked out there, still trying to figure out how I got so lucky!) one part well, me, we really work together well and it seems like the rest just falls into place. Actually, our relationship is and always has been pretty easy going. Most of that is because, B is a patient, patient man and puts up with all of my idiosyncrasies. But, like most people, we find that it’s hard to spend time together, the good reconnecting time and everyone needs that. Now that school is in and that I’m taking a full load it’s even harder. Poor guy gets put to the wayside because I’ve got to study, and he gets it, in the long run it will all be worth it, but it’s really difficult now. Even when school isn’t in session, it’s always something, some other obligation pulling you in another direction; a work function, someone’s birthday, house cleaning, vet appointments, etc. the two days of the weekend tend to packed full fairly quickly. So how do you keep a relationship going strong for many years to come? I don’t know, but I’m glad I’ve got a great partner to help me figure it out.

Children. Kids. Babies. Grandchildren. Little ones. Padfoots. Ankle biters. Mini mo’s. Mini B’s. These are just a few of the names that various people have asked if we (B&I) would be having. This thought still seems so far away and still terrifying. Really. I can feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on any time I really think about it. That is probably a good indicator that I am no way near ready to be a mommy. And again, this goes back to time. How do you work, find time for yourself, for your spouse and for your kids and time to sleep!?!?! Really? This all seems so foreign and strange to me. Moms, please tell me how you do this.

Family. Everyone who knows me, knows I adore my mommy. She is more like my BFF. And I love our mommy/daughter dates that we have. But even those seem few and far between our daily phone calls have turned into maybe once or twice a week. Again, life gets in the way. And when I’m with her, sometimes, I find myself too tired to really enjoy myself or I find myself treating her like a child and find her excitement or inability to understand something almost unbearable. I do NOT want to feel that. I’ve done this to myself, I put the weight of the world on my shoulders to the point that it makes me irritable towards those I love. Apparently I really enjoy being the martyr. So, how do I stop this pattern? Soliciting advice here.

riends. It seems that the time I get to see my friends is fewer and fewer. Yes, I am very much aware that we all have our own lives to lead. Some with children, some with other things occupying their time, and most doing what B & I do, enjoying spending time with one another as it doesn’t happen often. Yet, I find myself sometimes drifting apart from those I desire to be closer to. I find myself jealous of the time they are able to spend with one another without me, but is just because I miss them and love them and wish that I could spend more time with them.
So, how does one accomplish all of these things at once? How does one have an even distribution of time and energy to devote to each of these things? I look around and some seem like they have it down to a science and others do struggle. I realize that life isn’t perfect and that is the days you expect to go smoothly that the car ends up breaking down. But I guess it’s all about perspective. Great! How do I get some of that?

I’m all out of love….

For my job that is. I seriously can not take this anymore. I sent out my resume to about 7 places last night. It’s unacceptable to sit in your office and cry, out of frustration, for most of the day. It’s unacceptable to be so miserable at work you have to shut yourself in your office for fear that you’ll say the wrong thing to the wrong person. And I loose respect for my boss every day – all these little lies that she says – there is no reason to lie, not to me or anyone that you work with we are all grown ups and can handle the truth. There has always been too much work for me to do, but at least I’ve always had 40 hours to do it in and the option of OT, at this place it’s a 37.5 hour work week and no OT. So I’m at a disadvantage already loosing 2.5 hours a week to do my work and not having the option of OT to do it either. Not to mention the loss of OT has hurt my wallet too. I am even considering taking a pay cut just so I can be somewhere else and have peace of mind. I feel stuck, I cannot talk to K about any of this because she is a different person, she is not the approachable person she once was. I catch her lies all the time, little ones, big ones, really insignificant ones. I’m not sure who this person is and I am loosing respect for her daily. I am unsure where this is all going but I know that I do not want to be apart of it. So I keep asking for guidance and it is leading me away. Hopefully something will pan out.

On another note – school starts today, while I originally only was registered to take 3 classes, I signed on for a fourth. So I’m taking 12 hours, I’m a bit nervous because I’ve never done that before and it seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m SO ready to be finished with school!!!

Lastly – the half-marathon was on Sunday and I actually finished it. It only took me 311 or about 14.5 minute miles. Not the best times I’ve had…but it’s a start. I think this is the latest of my addictions!

Hopin' and wishin' and prayin'

Towards the end of last year (which, really I’m talking about less than one week ago) I was feeling very lost in life. Don’t get me wrong there are aspects of my life in which I never ponder over (my life with B, my family and friends) but work is another story. The move to the new firm really unnerved me, had me searching myself if this was a right fit for me. It was difficult to acclimate to a place with so many rules and regulations after having spent the last seven years at places where we could come and go as we pleased and were under a protected umbrella. This new firm was a lot of change, and there was no lag time, it was jump on or fall off. So, me feeling scared, like I may not make it here, I put myself out there (in the way of my resume) I met a few folks and got interviewed, and while it’s always good to dust of that jacket every once in a while. I fear I may have shot myself in the foot. The legal community is a small one, and I can tell someone all I want that I do not want my employer to know that I am looking, but that doesn’t mean they won’t ask a friend of a friend who knows that person.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a shift in things at the office. K simply stopped speaking with me, would pass by my office saying hello to everyone except me and when I would speak with her it was short. Granted, this was probably very much a two way street (I couldn’t understand how she could choose to move to a place such as this, so I was mad and hurt and scared and because of that, I believe I began to distance myself from her for fear that I may say something I’d regret) anyhow, there was a growing distance between us, personally and professionally. As I mentioned we were (are) barely speaking and last week I noticed she was no longer giving me work to do, in fact, she hadn’t given me work in almost 3 weeks. All the work that would normally go to me was going to T and C. I was a bit bothered by this and so I inquired about it. I asked whether or not I had done something to upset her or if my work product has suffered and there was an issue that she may want to discuss or if there was a shift in roles happening to please let me know so I am sure to follow the correct protocol. I mean given the fact that she wasn’t speaking with me AND I wasn’t getting any work form her I don’t feel that this was an out of line or out of the blue type of question, anyhow, she assured me that neither was the case and that was that. But still no work, I did some discussing with T and we are of the mindset that K knows that I met with a few folks and that perhaps she is protecting herself and her interests (as was I when I took a couple of meetings), but I feel on one hand that I’m being punished by K. And this coming from someone who has always told me that “business is business”, not to mention the fact that IF, IF I was to go I would NEVER leave her or the team in a bad way, I’d need a minimum of 3 weeks to ensure I had time with someone for proper training. So, I’m not sure what to make of all of these goings on at the office and because of that I have been so tired and sick even, not wanting to get out of bed to go to the office for fear of what may or may not occur that day.

So not wanting to start this year off like that, and given the fact that I asked her if there was an issue and was told no, I did something last night I hadn't done in years....I prayed. Prayed for guidance and direction in the new year, prayed for patience and acceptance of whatever may come. I must say that this morning I was less anxious about coming in to the office. And no, I am not saying that there is a direct correlation and should be attributed to some miracle of the divine, but I do feel that the approach of “Que Sera’ Sera’” is a very nice one to have. I will try to have this more in my every day life, I know it will be difficult as I am a control freak, especially when it comes to MY life.

Now there is the matter of the fact that I share MY life with someone, and that that person has HIS life. He is also dealing with some uneasiness at work, the big W may or may not be doing another restructuring of things and B may or may not have to re-interview for a job and he may or may not get that job and if he doesn’t he may or may not have a job and may or may not be pink slipped. Now, all of this leads me to the fact that poor B has not only this to deal with and think of constantly (because we all know how the rumor mill spins, most especially in a corporate setting) so it’s hard not to think of the worst case scenario (which for me is moving back in with my parents and having to keep the four dogs outside and for him is having to take a job he doesn’t want just so he has one). So, poor B has been shouldering this on his own, as have I….see I didn’t want to ask him about it because I didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already may or may not have been and he was all in his head about it….so tensions built and there was a much needed discussion, he didn’t want to worry me about it by talking about it and I didn’t want to worry him by talking about it, so it didn’t get talked about and we were both in our own heads worried about it. I am super blessed to have him in my life, let alone that I’m lucky enough to call him my husband.

So, here is to hope. Hoping that this year will be better than the last, that I will be a better person and that whatever happens really is for the best. Hoping that the memories made last year and that the memory of those lost do not fade away. Hope that I can relinquish some of the control I want to have over everything in my life and leave some of it to chance or fate or God…whatever it is that you believe in.