so many updates so many changes.

First, I celebrated my last day at former place of employment on 10/08/2010. While I’d only been at that law firm for about a year, I’d been with that employer for over 10 years. I don’t miss working in that environment, but I do miss some of the people. Working with people for that long, people tend to become part of your family, heck a few of them were at BOTH of my weddings, ha! Another thing I noticed shortly after starting my new job, was that I’m not in a bad mood nearly as much, the days of me coming home crying have ceased, AND I really do believe that for women, there is a hormone when you are stressed that makes you bloated, because two weeks after leaving I was out of the 150’s and fitting into my size 8’s.

Next, the hubby and I celebrated our one year anniversary. In a fashion that was a perfect summary of our first year – we had a beautiful restaurant picked out – though they failed to inform us that the main dining room was booked and thus we’d be served dinner while in the attic, very VC Andrews. Though to be fair, the attic served as an “art gallery” of sorts, so we were surrounded by various forms of tribal art and a desk with a PC and a phone, which kept ringing and the speaker phone kept buzzing. The food was amazing, and the service, despite being in the nosebleed seats was wonderful as well. We then made an impromptu trip to a club, it was all very “night at the roxbury” but fun nonetheless and all in all, a perfect beginning to our second year of marriage. I couldn’t be happier and more in love if I tried. I’ve come to realize that I am so so very lucky (though I know I don’t act like that all the time, nor do I remember how lucky I am all the time) – regardless, I am truly so lucky. My husband is truly my other half, my counterpart, my lighthouse, my puzzle piece and in the game of life, he is my blue peg. Thank you B, thank you for a wonderful first year of marriage, for a wonderful 5 years and I look forward to the rest of our lives together. I just have one thing to ask, please do not make me sit through another brain surgery. Thanks.

Moving on to the new job – it’s great. I’m still learning many aspects of the job, as well as the different ways to manage. The things I find wonderful is that we have a great team of staff members, they really want to do well and want to see things get back on track. I have to admit it’s a bit scary not having the safety net of a big company, or the job security that I always had with K, but I’m so happy that I took the leap. I only hope that I continue to feel this way.

Lastly, it’s time for my annual school update. This semester is almost over, thank goodness! I took 4 classes again, and that with the job moved proved to be a bit more than I originally anticipated, regardless I’m sticking it out! I’ve registered for next semester, again taking four classes – Minorities in America, Deviance & Social Control, Sociology of Culture and Human Resource Management – one is an online course and another is a Saturday class (ugh!). These classes sound so interesting, but also sound like A LOT of reading!!! After completing this semester I will have only one year left of classes, unless I can somehow manage to do 4 classes in the summer and 5 in the fall, which is doubtful. Anyhow, the best news is this, I’ve been asked to join Pi Gamma Mu – the International Honor Society in Social Sciences!!! My mom and B are going to be so proud.

Anyhow, sorry for the lack of previous blogs and the length of this one, I’ll try to do better from here on out.

finally, its happened to me

After months, really over a year of looking for a job on the DAILY - I have found one. And one that is on my career path! I couldn't be more excited and scared to death!

Since accepting the position and putting in my two weeks' notice, the seriousness and overwhelming fear has set in. What if I fail, what if I have over-valued my expertise and abilities and I fall flat on my face!?!?! The fear of entering an entire new world, that I know very little about. It's a fear that I'm sure is within anyone upon moving jobs and careers, let alone one that they've been in for over 10 years!

Of course, I have no choice but to break through this fear and face it head on! And I am trying, hard to do that, mostly because I really don't know what I'm getting into and won't until I get there. Until then it's books like First Time Manager and Office Manager for Dummies will be occupying what spare time I have.

modest mouse

i'm all for freedom of speech. i believe it and i realize that it is difficult to pick and choose just what is considered free speech. in these times, there is hate speech (racial or against GLBT), and sexual harassment in the form of speech and one that is most definitely not spoken of too often is religious hate speech. though, now, it seems to be on every news station and every paper in the country, because one man, one church believe that it is their right to burn the religious book of another faith. what happened to equality for all? and not labeling an entire group of people as extremists because of what a very small percentage of people of that same religion have previously done? if this is how we practice things here, than by that same logic there should be no male catholic priests, ever, because they are ALL child molesters, right? and all baptists ministers are thieves all steal from their congregation. and all mormons practice polygamy, right? OBVIOUSLY we know these things NOT to be true! so, why can we as a nation give other religious leaders and religions that are considered "home based religions" the benefit of the doubt and understand that a few to don't mean many, and definitely do not mean all, but we seem unable to do this for the muslim religion? why?

no one in this nation would stand for the burning of the bible or the book of mormon, correct? so, how it is acceptable for the burning of the qur'an?

a few other things i'd like to point out:

it's not even a mosque they want to build in NYC, it's a freakin' community center! pretty much the equivalent of a YMCA.

the muslim faith and it's followers are NOT all extremist in nature!

doing things like this is just going to make us look more ignorant and intolerable than we already do. it will just make things worse. can we not put the matches down and come sit down at the table and act like grown-ups?!?!?! this country came about because of the want and desire for freedom of religion, well that and not wanting to pay taxes. but still, the freedom of religion is a pretty big foundation of our nation.

president obama said - "If he's listening, I hope he understands that what he's proposing to do is completely contrary to our values as Americans. That this country has been built on the notion of freedom and religious tolerance." - couldn't have said it better myself.

you spin me right round

Yup, 31 years ago today, I was born. It's been a crazy year, first the wedding, then the holiday's then B got laid off, then the medical issue and we are here again. So I decided to take a trip down memory lane, review my post from last year and see how far (ahead or behind) I've come.

Last year at this time I was focusing on the wedding and all the activities around that. Well those went beautifully.

Last year I had 22 classes remaining, today I'm at 13 (not including the 4 I'm taking this semester)! I did indeed bump my hours up from 9 to 12 and took both summer sessions. I am still hoping to be done in December 2011, but that will require me taking 5 classes one semester, and 4 in the summer, I just do not know if I can do that. I am going to try, but if I can't, I know I'll be done in May of 2012.

This time last year, I was training for my first half-marathon. Well, I did it, it took me 3 hours and 10 minutes. AND I signed up for another one, back into training and doing between 3 and 4 miles 4 times a week, plus some strength training twice a week. I did get a bike a Fuji 2.0, though I've not really had much of a chance to ride it, so the MS-150 will be out for at least another year. BOO!

I was also looking for a new job last year, that hasn't changed. I'm still looking and hoping that something will pan out soon.

it's time

it's time i talk about it. i must purge these emotions and thoughts from my system before they enter the deepest darkest parts of my soul and release their poison into me, forever scarring me.

b is doing well, better than i, and even the doctors expected. but he still has his good days and his bad days. yesterday, my first day back at the office, was a bad day. and he finds himself frustrated with his progress, or in his words "lack of progress". seeing him like that, angry, bitter and vulnerable, is horrifying. it is during these moments that i remember that i could have lost him forever, and i remember to thank the lord and to remind myself and b just how lucky we are and how grateful we should be.

the thought of loosing him, was something i never fully allowed myself to think about, not truly, not in its entirety, with its bottomless pit of despair. i couldn't fully allow myself to think it for fear that even thinking it could make it happen. it's funny how when we are faced with situations that are out of our control, we become people who pray religiously or the "superstitious type" - well i was both and i assure you i did not step on any cracks and my hands remained firmly within one another's grasp.

so by allowing myself to think about it now - now that it has past and he is here with me, where he belongs - helps me stand even stronger and makes me want to fight harder and longer for him, and for us than ever before. because i know, i know, in my bones that he is my soul mate, he is my lobster, he is me and i am him. while we do not define one another, i would be lost and incomplete without him. i cannot imagine life without him and i know that while i could have gone on, it wouldn't have been a life, it would have been one meaningless day after another.

years from now, when we look back on our first year of marriage, i hope we will be able to laugh at all we went through. and i know that this year, this rough start we've been given, i know it will allow us to weather all the other storms that will surely come.

so thank you, lord, God, almighty powers that be, the Goddess, the Buddha the whomever, whatever you are. thank you for giving him, me and us another chance.

these parts make a whole.

in response to dana's challenge, here are my seven things.

1. when i was in grade school, i was in a spelling bee contest. i made it to the city finals, one of the last five. i lost on "cornucopia", i believe i placed an "A" or "I" where the "U" is. give me a break, i was 8 or 9. GEEZ!

2. i'm too afraid to go a therapist because, what if all the things i've successfully buried and forgotten about won't stop coming out and i have a nervous breakdown.

3. i wonder if i will ever experience complete and total happiness. by that i mean, that there isn't one thing in my world that i'm not not happy with. i'm sure they call that place heaven.

4. i want kids, but i'm afraid that i'll fail on some awesome level and that i'll find out that i really can't hack it as a parent and i'll be that mom that runs off.

5. my childhood career dreams were, veterinarian, child psychologist, attorney, international business trader and fashion designer. i had totally forgotten about the fashion designer part, until my mom unearthed some of my "sketches" and i must say that i wasn't bad, in fact at least three of the dresses i sketched, i've seen designed by various houses over the last ten years.

6. when i played "doctor" as a child, i never did it with a boy, it was always with my girl friends. is that creepy, or just a sign of things to come?

7. while there are many things on my "bucket list", really the one thing i want to do, the most important thing to do before i die is find my half brother and sister. my biological father was married before my mom, he had two kids a boy, name charles and a little girl, both were taken away by the state of florida because of my father and his first wives drug use. charles was about 10 and the little girl was just about a year old. i have a brother out there somewhere, who is about 40 and a sister who is about 32. i know nothing other than their parents' names, and their approximate dates of birth, and two pictures. i wanted to do this before my grandmother died, but it proved much more expensive and much more difficult than i anticipated.

THE END!

never truly happy

as all women know, we are never truly happy with our hair. either the color is all wrong, or the length is too short, but then when it's too long, we tend to just keep it tied back. ugh.

luckily, my color is great, so that's that the problem. the length is fine, well save for the fact that i had it cut right above my shoulders a couple months ago and it tends to the "50's flip" so i have to wait for it grow out.

this is kinda the look that i'm wanting.





but, given b's recent surgery and the fact that he had to shave his head and get 45 staples. i'm feeling i may want to do something a bit drastic, as a sign of solidarity. yes, i realize he's not going to have to chemo or anything like that, but it's a small sign of love. if he has to shave his head, i can cut all my hair off. what's a bit nerve-wracking about this thought, is that i've never really gone this short, intentionally. i mean yes, i did shave my head in high-school, but the first time i did that was because i fried my hair, and no hair was better than mo-hair! ha! i love this cut! anyhow, not sure if i can pull this off though. i've lost some weight so i'm not as "chunky" in the face as i have been.




totally OT. but i'm really sick of the rejections. you'd think with all the meetings i've had over the last year, i'd be used to it by now. but i'm not. and the thing i don't get, is they always seem to love me. don't get me wrong, i've had bad meetings before and i expect NOT to hear from them and i don't. but more often than not, i walk out thinking that went really well, we clicked and this could turn out wonderfully. it's those folks that come back and say "we are really impressed with your background and your skill set and after meeting with you, are even more impressed with who you are, and have no doubt that you could do a great job for us. however, at this time we've decided go with other candidates that better fit our needs." i mean, what does that even mean!?!?!?!

so i end up feeling worse about myself, feeling more stuck and suffocated than before. and wondering why even bother. i know i shouldn't complain, but i'm a woman, so i will!

bloggedyblogblog

well, well, well. i'm still not ready to fully disclosure the emotional ups and downs of the past 5 days, so more inspiration it is.

i found these fab pics over at desiretoinspire.net

I wouldn't do this myself with our fireplace, but i like it.

me likey this kitchen.

check-it, they took those ikea pasta things that we have and under mounted it to an island. brilliant!


me likey this stove. reminds me of the ones they have at elmirastoveworks.com, if you haven't seen those, do yourself a favor and check them out.

on another note, i am going to paint the living room a pale grey color and have decided thanks to dana's agreeing with me, i'm also going to paint the fireplace mantel a dark slate gray. i cannot wait for the contrast and will post pics as soon as it's done.

avoidance

in my best effort to turn my thoughts away from thursday. i'm posting about couches. most of you know, that i love couches. and i've been on the hunt now for a new one for a while. but i have high standards. it must be comfy and roomy, but it must be aesthetically pleasing, mainly to me because i have to look at it daily. anyhow, my dream couch looks like "mod-vintage-chic", and it's been tough to find a couch that meets these criteria, until now. i found these beauties last weekend and took mr. b to look at them yesterday, he agrees that they are indeed comfy, but is partial to the first one, and i am partial to the second one. so, what to do, what to do?

this is from crate & barrel. it's 100% eco friendly materials (huge selling point!) and it comes in a beautiful color called graphite. not to mention, it has the narrow arms of mod-type furniture. it measures, 93" w, 46"d. and b LOVES it. the custom color would make delivery time a bit longer. the only thing i don't like about this sofa is the fact that it isn't "open" at the bottom.

this is from z gallerie and this is my favorite. it meets the mod-vintage-chic look, but it is super comfy as well! it measures 96"w, 40" D and the stock color is perfect, so we wouldn't have to wait longer to actually get the sofa.
so you see my dilemma, right? i mean the first one is more warm and great for family and kids, the second one while super comfy may not seem as inviting as the first one. i'm open to any thoughts and suggestions.

the best message

so i got this message on fb from a girl i went to high school with. we were an unlikely pairing, as far as friendships go. i know it may be hard for you to imagine but i wasn't always so cool and popular(insert large amounts of sarcasm here). i ran with the kids folks called the "lunch box kids" kids who got french fries thrown at them and made fun of for the different colored hair, different clothes and different music. well this girl and i had drill team together, she was apart of the "cool crowd" and she and i became friends. Gosh, could i sound more like an after-school special!?!?!

she had a rather rough upbringing, they were not so well off with 4 kids in the house, her step-mom was not such a nice person. she was VERY well developed and so she got a ton of attention from boys that she didn't know how to handle, so she did the typical thing which is to believe that they really liked her. she ended up pregnant and the father went to jail, shortly after for dealing. she and i fell out of touch because she went to live with her mom and had a baby. well, i got this message from her today. wow. i cried, i'm still crying. it's crazy to think that one simple, small act can really make a difference in someones life. God does work in mysterious ways, I needed this message today, I needed to know that I make a difference. Thank you for that.

"I know this may seem strange, but remember when I was 16 and pregnant and was contemplating suicide and you called my mom. There are some things going on with my daughter that reminded me of that. Thank you caring enough to tell someone."

how soon is now?

I have a confession to make. I read blogs, a lot of blogs. The one’s you see listed to the right here are just the tip of the iceberg. I read decorating blogs, gardening blogs, homemade bread/baking blogs. I love getting decorating ideas and new things to cook/bake. But I’ve found myself wondering, how some of these folks do it all? Most of these blogs are my men/women who are happily coupled up, some are married with kids, some are committed with pets and some are just lovely singles. And of course, most, if not ALL of them are awe inspiringly artistic, and they make it seem so effortless. So let me get this straight, (talking to the writers of said blogs) you’re stylish, cute, sweet, inspirational, a mom/dad, writer, poet, artist, clothier, etc. AND you have time to exercise and cook/bake and work and go on vacations!?!?!?

And that my friends, is the real root of this post, the vacations. I’m not just talking a road trip (not that I don’t LOVE me some road trips) but I mean real life, LONG vacations to destinations far far away. Places that make me say “I want to go to there!” I see all these folks taking trips to far a-way lands and I wonder, how? I mean how do they do it? How do they have it all, the time, energy and MONEY to do all of it!?!?! Most of them have houses, especially the decorating ones, and obviously most of our money goes to our house. But gosh, it’s hard not to feel a bit behind in all of it? When do B and I get there, to the point where it’s not a big thing to take a long, somewhat lavish vacation? I’m not talking a spot at the most exclusive hotel in vegas/la/ny/paris. I mean some hole-in-the-wall join in Santorini (not that there are really hole-in-the-walls there), or a flat above a bar, any bar in Cork County, something like that. How do they have it all and make it seem so effortless and I feel like I’m holding it all together, with some dental floss and a paper clip, it must be the artist in them. Bravo folks, bravo, I can’t even tell which was the brush went.

Houston Craigslist Furniture Finds

I love perusing craigslist. Who doesn't? Anyhow, I found some of the greatest stuff and if I was going to do some massive redecorating, I'd buy all of these things:

1950's antique TV w/new color tube

1960's Mod round table and two end tables

and my personal fav! the
Vintange Sears console radio/record player

soap box, or should i say oil box?

I've kept mum on this subject, because it angers me so, and mainly because I cannot watch the videos or see the images or hear the lies coming from those at fault or the people that are supposed to represent us mouths'.

The reality of what we have done and continue to do to this beautiful planet is so heavy on my heart. So I gave in today, after the weeks of hearing of dead sea turtles and dolphins washing up, an infant whale was found dead and before I even searched out for images of the disaster, tears came to my eyes. And knowing that even me and my family, small as it may be, our personal reliance on oil is partially to blame for this tragedy. And it makes me feel so sick, selfish and terribly ashamed.

The $20 billion dollar "donation" from BP is laughable. The cost of this disaster is more far reaching than that. Lets take a look at the list shall we: (1) loss of livelihood in those that make a living as fisherman and shrimping (2) the restaurant owners who have or will have to shut down because of the lack of fish and shrimp (3) the people who will loose their jobs because of this (4) the kids who will not be able to go to college because their dad or mom lost their job because of this (5) the beautiful creatures that have lost their lives to this (6) the other animals that live off of the animals that have died and will continue to die will also suffer long term (7) those men who lost their lives on that rig (8) the people that are volunteering to help clean up this mess are being exposed to toxins and dangerous efforts (9) and lastly, the long term environmental effects of which we have no way of knowing how far they will reach or how long it will last.

Was the "dead zone" in the gulf during the summer months not enough of a warning sign here? How about the astronomical melting of the glaziers and the fact that polar bears are dwindling. How we, ourselves, as animals, are becoming rodent and cockroach like every-day. And why aren't Americans talking about this? Only those that live in the areas affected are saying anything. The complacency of this nation is admonishing to say the least. And people wonder why I say I'm not sure if I want children. It's already depressing enough knowing that your kid can't play in the front yard, or walk next door without a security detail. Environmentally speaking, I don't want to have to explain to my children what a polar bear was and why they went away. The fact that a species has to have not been seen for 12 years before it's declared extinct is a ludicrous thought. But, now I'm off topic and worked up.

So with the Louis Armstrong song in my head, I will continue to do my best to donate to wildlife relief efforts around the world and of course the BP clean-up effort. But my part in all of this is not lost on me. I am now going back to vegetarian, nary a fish shall pass these lips. I'm already doing Green Mountain clean energy thing, as well as the planet bag thing and the seventh generation thing, organic foods and clothes and of course recycling, I'm lost as to what more I can do, but I will find it, I will find out.

Man, when perfected, is the best of animals; but when isolated he is the worst of all; for injustice is more dangerous when armed, and man is equipped at birth with the weapons of intelligence, and with qualities of character which he may use for the vilest ends. Wherefore if he have not virtue he is the most unholy and savage of animals, full of gluttony and lust. -- Aristotle, Politics

little b is about to be a big B

ha! b is looking to trade up or in, as the case may be. he is getting a new, i've worked hard for my $$$ car, a new altima. we test drove on saturday and alls i can say is me likey! haha. i'm very proud of him and very happy for him.

we are scheduled to see the neurosurgeon next week, for the finalization before the surgery, which will be 07/22/10. yikes. trying NOT to think about it and just live, ya know, l-i-v-i-n. but in this case, this is definitely one of those things that is constantly in the back of your mind. since i've never been here before, i can only compare it to the anxiety one feels when waiting for the + or - sign on the EPT test or them STD results (NOT now, I'm speaking of them mid-twenties, we've all been there!) But b, being the wonderful man that he is, is taking all this on with surprising strength and a good case of the 'whatever will be will be' attitude. boy, i wish i had that.

thunder cats are go.

well, sort of. the big day is potentially set for 07/22/2010. waiting on the docs to work it all out and schedule all the stuff. it's suddenly all very very real and no less terrifying.

the dishes are done, man.

okay, maybe not the dishes, but the dining room is finally painted! i was gonna go with a color called warm flannel grey, but i decided on this antique purple and this is out it turned out!

(props to my husband for also hanging the new blinds, 7 of them!)

(yes, that is from target!)

(these too are from target, well not the doves, those were a wedding gift)

now, all we need are curtains and a rug. then we are painting the living room, something called antique silver, a sort of grayish white color.

Oh, we’re half-way there

I cannot believe that it is almost June! The older I get the faster time seemingly slips away. Summer school starts June 1, and what is different about this session is that BOTH B and I will be in school! I’m so proud and excited for him.

B is loving his job and according to him, “there is life after wal-mart”. I am so thrilled not only that he landed somewhere, but that he landed somewhere he is happy, somewhere he can utilize his skill set, but learn new skills as well. And once he’s completed his degree, I believe he will feel that much more fulfilled.

I resumed my fitness regimen last week, after 3 months off! It was a rough start - running for no more than a half-mile at a time. Mya is happy to be back on the road though, she LOVES to run, but it’s so hot out there, I have to be mindful of when I take her out with me. So, in an effort for her to not feel left out I’ve made a couple of trips to the gym and forgot how good it feels to get a well-rounded work out it. I love running and it’s a great stress-reliever but, at the gym I can get a run in, a bike ride, work on my arms and legs via weights, do medicine ball crunches and some serious stretching and time for planks. I did 80 crunches yesterday, and held my plank for 25 seconds. Now, I realize that is no 30 push-ups (dana!) I’m working up to it. And what’s even more motivation is that given my, uhm, procedure on Monday, my stomach is pretty flat and not bloated and I lost a few pounds. I’m trying to keep it up.

B and I are having a date-night on Friday, going to the rockwood room and SO looking forward to it, not only the food and a new place, but a night out with my honey. It’s been a while, normally our Friday nights are spent in the house, I make dinner and we watch some TV from the week that we missed.

I’m also planning on this three-day weekend to FINALLY paint the dining room, which also means re-decorating it. Not by much, just some new curtains and definitely a new rug!

I’m hoping to see my ladies soon, a game night or dinner/drinks something would be wonderful. I miss you all.

missing out.

so, the semester is just about done, save for one final i have left. to reward myself i went to XXI on wedensday, specifically looking for this:

gosh, isn't that gorge and it looks super comfy too!!! but they didn't have it in the store, online only. and while i was there, i saw all this super cute 80's revisited stuff. and i was reminded of how i have now missed out on those fashions twice, see the first 80's i was really too young to make my own fashion decisions - seeing as how i was 9/10 when the 90's came in, and now that some of these things have made their way back around, i'm too old for these things. so, why do i care? because i too, want to run around in a tulle skirt with leggings and a body suit with a midriff top on, ala carrie style. okay, maybe nix the body suit and the midriff top, but dammit i want a tulle skirt!!!!

anyhow, i think i'll be getting this jumpsuit. thoughts?

in other news, my hair - i'm finally thrilled with it! on dbear's advice, i bought some bb product, not the beach stuff, but the spray lotion. i lurve it!!! love how it tones down the flyaways and it makes my hair straight and shiny!!! so about 7 more inches (ha!, that's what she said) and i'll be thrilled and i'm so diggin' the color, thanks erock!

totha.

a little update on things for you all.

b. he is doing well on his new meds, he is much happier with the new rx. none of those other issues, now he only has to combat being tired, but he's discovered the beauty of earl grey at 2 p.m.

school. this semester is nearing the end, thank goodness! i passed my last stats test with a b, giving me an overall b in the class, so that is one less final i have to take. i'm done with my tech writing class too, no final there either. only have to finish up my research paper on "the benefits of harm reduction and legalizing drugs" and a final in that class. and then a final in my understanding child abuse and neglect class - oh - the paper i did for that class "Who is responsible for child abuse and neglect in each of its forms and how can each cause potentially be prevented and treated?" - well apparently the prof was so impressed by it he asked to publish it for the class (it's an on-line course) and he asked to pass if he could pass it to some of his colleagues and at upcoming child abuse prevention conventions. needless to say, i'm elated at the prospect of "the powers that be" reading this paper. hey, sometimes you have to toot your own horn!

work. well, nothing has changed here. in fact, it keeps getting worse. it's a horrible thing to have worked with someone for so long and feel such contempt for that person. and to never know if and when someone is telling the truth. i'm desperate to find another job. so if you know of anything, send them my way!

friends. my friends keep inspiring me. many of them have had some amazing things happen as of late - new house for instance, new job/internship, being amazing moms. i only wish i could see you all more.

Paciencia y Fe

Patience and faith. I’m finding myself having to given in to these two little things more and more as of late. As you may or may not know, b will be having surgery at some point, probably about 6 months. So, on one hand it’s great news that it doesn’t have to be removed right away. On the other hand, I will be sitting with the knowledge for the next 6 months that at some point, any point, b could have a seizure or a stroke or even die from this thing in his brain. And that at the end of the road is him going under the knife. Just the thought of him having part of his skull removed and someone going in there with a knife and removing part of his brain is a terrifying thought. The thought of what if the neurosurgeon sneezes or coughs, just one little slip could be detrimental. Not to mention that the location of the cavernoma is in the personality portion of his brain, so there is a small chance that he could come out a totally different person.

While the thought of surgery and an end to this situation gives b piece of mind, I can do nothing but think of the worst. And I find myself thinking that I should really take the time in the next 6 months to be with him and spend more time with him and cherish what we have, really really focus on it. Because in 6 months he could not be here, in 6 months he may be alive but he may not be the b I know, the one I fell in love with, in 6 months our worlds could change forever. And of course there is the thought, that I haven’t allowed myself to say out loud, and I can’t even type it here, but there is the chance that something MAJOR could go wrong. But as I said, I cannot really even allow myself to think about that.

So here are some numbers for you, by order of least importance to the most important thing in the world to me:

907 unread emails at work

200 items on the “to do” items at work

13 voicemails to return

8 personal emails to respond to

4 school assignments left

3 weeks left in this semester

1 b, the only one for me.

It ain't rocket science, it's brain surgery

so it's official b has a mass in his brain, they are almost positive that is what caused his seizure early Wednesday morning. we have an appointment with a neurosurgeon on monday at 1 p.m. and to say i'm terrified would be an understatement. while they're almost positive it is not a tumor, we are still having to see a neurosurgeon. which makes me believe that the er doc and possibly the neurologist that consulted on b at the er believes that this must come out of b's brain and rather promptly, since we were told me must see one with in 3-5 days of his discharge. i looked up the word "cavernoma" as that is what they are sure it is, and everything i have found says that they fairly normal, it is estimated that about 1/2 the population has them and they never cause any issues. however, for those that do have issues, like seizures, it appears that those cavernoma's are more "active" than others and it is advisable to have them removed as they could begin to bleed out, although, the estimated blood leak is much less than that of an aneurysm.

b is handling all of this rather well, or at least he is on the outside. taking in stride that now he has to take anti-seizure medication, probably for the rest of his life, that has got to be difficult for a man who doesn't even like to take aspirin when he's got a headache. also handling well the fact that he can not drive, well at least until we hear from the neurosurgeon. one thing i am pleased with is that he seems to be more dedicated to quitting smoking than i've seen him before.

and boy, you would be surprised at the thoughts that so quickly pass through your head when you are watching the person you love most in the world suffer, and you'd be even more surprised by the content of these thoughts. my first thought was "but we haven't even had kids yet" quickly followed by "it's not fair, i'm not ready to be without him" followed up with me thinking the worst of the worst possible scenarios and terri schiavo came to mind. and yes i realize how grim that is, but i had no idea what was happening.

and yes, i realize there is no point in worrying about the potential end results, given that there could be so many. but it is really difficult for me not to think of the millions of ways my poor b could be affected by this, so far it's only been the medication and the driving. but if we are talking brain surgery, that is a whole other list of potentials that i am nowhere near ready to face.

speaking words of wisdom...let it be.

Post Secret. I'm not sure how many of my readers read that blogsite too, but I find it sort of cathartic to do on Monday morning's while drinking my coffee. This morning I saw one that made me stop my scroll wheel. "My greatest desire is to love my life as I'm living it."

All I can say is wow.

I spend so much of my day griping, b*tching and moaning about one thing or another; how tired I am from work and school - HEY BUDDY - at least I have a job and I have the opportunity to go to school!; how disgusted I am with one aspect of my body or another - HEY BUDDY - you're healthy and you've got a great man who loves you no matter what!; how I wish I had or made more $$$ - HEY BUDDY - at least you have some money and make a decent living oh and yeah, you've got luxuries like a house and a car and more than one pair of shoes and clothes and food to eat on the daily and you can still afford to donate to charitable causes of your choice!

So yeah, all in all I guess my life is pretty grand. That is not to say that I will stop striving for better, but as the quote says "love my life as I'm living it." WOW!

inspiration.

I finally decided on a color to paint the dining room. It's called Antique Purple, and it is devine! The perfect mix of purple and gray, so I will get my purple dining room and b will not really notice that it's a purple dining room! Here is a sample of the color...or pretty close to it:

So, now time to decorate this piece. I love the idea of white/purple or gray/purple and black,white/purple. But given that this is a pretty gray color, and the dining room furniture is dark wood, I think I may have to lighten it up a bit with the curtains and rug and accessories. So, I'm thinking about these curtains:

B/W Damask

Gray Velvet

Eggplant

Or do I go with just plain white curtains? Thoughts?

long weekend....

it was easter weekend, which means good friday, which means three day weekend. given that i was so ill last week, i debated going into the office on friday, for about 5 minutes and then remembered how difficult it's been there, and i decided to take the day off. easter weekend always brings me back to being a child, and it sort of saddens me that i no longer am at a church. catholicism and i parted ways many years ago, as has most organized religion and i. that is not to say that i am not aware of the "gap" in my life. i'm fully aware of whats missing and it's faith. faith brings hope and it makes everything nice and shiny. it makes you believe in the good in humanity and love to all living things. i'd love to feel that again, my heart is open to it. am i far to cynical to accept it, though? am i too far gone a skeptic to truly believe? we shall see, i'm planning on attending some church services soon, i'm not sure just where yet. until then, have a little faith, eh?

spring cleaning

my system that is. wowzers. i just got over what i'm sure is the worst. case. of. stomach flu. ever! i never want to feel like that again. it hurt so bad, at one point i grab b's hand and said "if this is what child birth is like, count me out!" for seers. no dice. but i'm back. i'm 30 and i like to kick, stretch and kick, i'm 30!

a sign of the times.

or my age perhaps. it seems as though the second it was 09/02/2009 at 9:06 a.m. i begin to change on a cellular level. the gray hairs began to come in droves and yes, my first real smile line, although if it's only on one side, is it still considered a smile line? i'm finding myself wondering if i will allow myself to grow old gracefully. i have colored by hair for 17 years, and see no need to stop now. my concern is my face, more so the lines and/or wrinkles. i truly find myself debating botox and/or restalyne. how insane is that?

i am not one who looks down on plastic surgery, obviously (hello!!), as long as it's tastefully done and you do it truly for yourself and no one else. while i have been blessed with pretty amazing skin (thanks grandma and dad!), i realize that i am not getting any younger and given that i decided to wait until nearly mid-life to try and finish school, now, for the first time in my life, i find myself wondering if, and at what point my age will become an "issue". i do not think it is that far fetched of a thought, ageism exists, as does sexism and homophobia, etc. but is it time for me to add that to the list of already growing worries?

so, i'm looking into it, i have an appointment today to have another session on my ankle tattoo (i want it gone!), and well what do you know, it's a full service surgical center/medical spa. so, i've also made it a point to meet with the doctor regarding botox/restalyne. just an appointment, i've committed to nothing. but i am curious. nothing wrong with curious, right?

and if you look to your left, you'll see....

what a difference a week makes. i mean really. while i was hating the thought of returning to work this morning, i went, well, refreshed. though i came in to over 500 emails to respond to, i could tell that i was less stressed and i wasn't counting the minutes till the end of the day. so, perhaps i should use my 6 weeks of pto wisely, by taking a week every couple of months or so, most especially since my current employer does not pay you for unused time! while the day ended on a sour note (i found out i bombed my stats test) bummer, but i'll live. anyhow, this is a note to recap on some things i learned last week while on vacay.

1) my new favorite breakfast is a whole wheat english muffin with almond butter and slivers of banana on top (as rachel ray would say "delish and nutrish!")

2) i learned more about addison's disease than i ever cared to know - our problem child, ethyl was diagnosed with addison's disease, essentially it's when the adrenal gland stops producing the hormones that help you in stressful situations. so yes, our 3 year old dog who has never wanted for a thing has a problem dealing with stress!?!? anyone else see the irony here?

3) i adore my husband. no i didn't need a vacay to tell me that, but it was lovely spending so much time with him with no distractions, well except for the ethyl sitch.

4) i can be a serious procrastinator. one of my goals was to get ahead on some school work. needless to say, i didn't.

5) staycations are kind of awesome.

Status...

Well. Things have been busier than usual. Thanks to the 12 hours I’m taking at school and the fact that it’s the mid-term time, it’s been like non-stop working or reading or writing from the time I get up till bed time for the last few weeks.

B is still looking for a job. He’s been “pounding the pavement” of the internet non-stop since news of the lay off, but no luck. He met with an executive recruiter on Thursday, and he seemed to get a lot out of the meeting and walked away with a renewed sense of purpose, so I couldn’t have been happier with that. He has also been gracious and kind enough to assist my dad a few days, by helping him build a wall and a case in the garage at my parent’s house. He seems to enjoy it, and is learning some carpentry skills, so that is kind of cool. He has also decided to go back to school, and this, this makes me happier than anything. While he is currently still deciding on where to go, he has decided that he will return. I am just thrilled at this news, one because I know what a sense of accomplishment I feel after completing just one class, one semester and now that the grand prize is in sight for me, I want him to have the same feeling of accomplishment. I know it will be a rough start, he hasn’t been to school in 13 years, but I know he will be alright and as I said before, I couldn’t be happier about this outcome. I am still unsure of what will happen job wise, and that’s a little frightening, mainly because the paid administrative leave is up in 32 days. Granted, he will have the severance, but we haven’t fully discussed what is happening with that either. And while I know the my salary will cover all household expenses, well, it’s a bit daunting to have that on your shoulders, especially when I’m in a place that I am so unhappy, work-wise that is. But I will take the sunshine of his decision to return to school as a sign that things will happen, it may be slower than either of us would have liked, but they will happen.

Speaking of school, I really am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Still kicking myself for waiting so long to return, but better late than never. My 12 hours are going well; it’s a lot of work but so worth the reward. I am still planning on attending both summer sessions, for one or two classes each, and since B and I decided not to go on our honeymoon until he is fully settled in a job, it works perfectly as I won’t have to worry about scheduling the trip around classes. If I can continue with the 12 hours each semester I should be finished in one years’ time. Unbelievable. It really is attainable, that little piece of paper that means so much and will hopefully open some doors, really is in within my reach. And, I’m already looking at grad schools, weighing my options, it turns out only a two colleges in Houston offer a Masters in Human Resources, but there are many Universities that have on-line classes where I could obtain an MBA with a specialization in HR. Some of which I’d be required to take the GRE and some I wouldn’t. The fact is I’m a horrible test taker, more specifically a horrible standardized test taker. I did well on my SAT’s and my ACT, but I had to take them both twice. But I still have time to figure this all out. Right?

Hypocrisy at it’s finest?

They weren’t kidding were they? Those who said eventually I’d begin to hear it, the clock that is. Wow, it’s beginning to sound less and less like a tic-toc-tic-toc and more like a BONG! BONG! BONG! I find myself perusing the cribs and baby stuff at target more and more. A friend posted something a few months ago about 35 being the age where the increase in birth defects rise as well as harm to the mother, I realize that is pretty standard and well it also varies depending upon how well you take care of yourself.

But this brought me to another realization, and a sad one at that, I’m 30 (no, that’s not the sad part), the fact is I am 30 years old and never, not one day, since the age of 7, in my entire life has there ever been even a single moment where I was not unhappy with my body. I have spent 30 years, 360 months, 1560 weeks, 10950 days on this earth, and since the age of 7 have I been happy with the way I look. I remember it very clearly, it was summer time, June I believe, I was eating a cherry flavored popsicle, I had a pink shirt on with a frog on it and some red shorts, I was getting ready to ride my bike and someone said to me that I should “loose that belly fat now, because it will be much harder to do so when you’re older.” That day I started my first “diet”, or my interpretation of what a diet was which was essentially not eating. And since that day, I’ve been either been on some form of a diet or using some form of food control. It is devastating to me to think how much of my time I have spent hating myself for the way I look, finding myself disgusting or being disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror, how many thoughts were wasted on depriving myself of happiness for vanity. What is so sad to me is that while my parents did not last, they loved me, they loved one another, they were just happy that I had 10 fingers and 10 toes and that I could see and hear and speak and I’ve spent the majority of my life hating every other part of me.

I bring this up only because I have to wonder what damage I’ve caused myself with all the starving and excessive exercise and diet pills and crazy diet fads, I must wonder am I healthy enough to have a child? Am I healthy enough mentally to be able to enjoy the physical aspects of pregnancy or will I despise myself even then. And more importantly, would I be strong enough to teach my daughter that she is beautiful no matter what, can I teach a son that beauty comes in all colors, shapes and sizes, and if I can do that, how much of a hypocrite will it make me if I am still struggling with being happy with myself?

Perspective

At the risk of sounding like SJP in SITC – I’m beginning to wonder if it is really possible for to “have it all”. By that I mean: a good career, a loving relationship, children, family and friends – and more importantly, TIME for all of those things.

Obviously I need a job, I want a job, I like the feeling of contributing to a company or a firm’s or a teams success (not to mention that there are bills that must be paid). I think the key to that is finding something that you love to do. I still haven’t found that yet, but I’ve still got time and I’m trying to make the best of what I’ve got.

The parts to a good relationship can vary from person to person that you ask, as the necessities and requirements for each person is different. For me it’s one part B (yup, I really lucked out there, still trying to figure out how I got so lucky!) one part well, me, we really work together well and it seems like the rest just falls into place. Actually, our relationship is and always has been pretty easy going. Most of that is because, B is a patient, patient man and puts up with all of my idiosyncrasies. But, like most people, we find that it’s hard to spend time together, the good reconnecting time and everyone needs that. Now that school is in and that I’m taking a full load it’s even harder. Poor guy gets put to the wayside because I’ve got to study, and he gets it, in the long run it will all be worth it, but it’s really difficult now. Even when school isn’t in session, it’s always something, some other obligation pulling you in another direction; a work function, someone’s birthday, house cleaning, vet appointments, etc. the two days of the weekend tend to packed full fairly quickly. So how do you keep a relationship going strong for many years to come? I don’t know, but I’m glad I’ve got a great partner to help me figure it out.

Children. Kids. Babies. Grandchildren. Little ones. Padfoots. Ankle biters. Mini mo’s. Mini B’s. These are just a few of the names that various people have asked if we (B&I) would be having. This thought still seems so far away and still terrifying. Really. I can feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on any time I really think about it. That is probably a good indicator that I am no way near ready to be a mommy. And again, this goes back to time. How do you work, find time for yourself, for your spouse and for your kids and time to sleep!?!?! Really? This all seems so foreign and strange to me. Moms, please tell me how you do this.

Family. Everyone who knows me, knows I adore my mommy. She is more like my BFF. And I love our mommy/daughter dates that we have. But even those seem few and far between our daily phone calls have turned into maybe once or twice a week. Again, life gets in the way. And when I’m with her, sometimes, I find myself too tired to really enjoy myself or I find myself treating her like a child and find her excitement or inability to understand something almost unbearable. I do NOT want to feel that. I’ve done this to myself, I put the weight of the world on my shoulders to the point that it makes me irritable towards those I love. Apparently I really enjoy being the martyr. So, how do I stop this pattern? Soliciting advice here.

riends. It seems that the time I get to see my friends is fewer and fewer. Yes, I am very much aware that we all have our own lives to lead. Some with children, some with other things occupying their time, and most doing what B & I do, enjoying spending time with one another as it doesn’t happen often. Yet, I find myself sometimes drifting apart from those I desire to be closer to. I find myself jealous of the time they are able to spend with one another without me, but is just because I miss them and love them and wish that I could spend more time with them.
So, how does one accomplish all of these things at once? How does one have an even distribution of time and energy to devote to each of these things? I look around and some seem like they have it down to a science and others do struggle. I realize that life isn’t perfect and that is the days you expect to go smoothly that the car ends up breaking down. But I guess it’s all about perspective. Great! How do I get some of that?

I’m all out of love….

For my job that is. I seriously can not take this anymore. I sent out my resume to about 7 places last night. It’s unacceptable to sit in your office and cry, out of frustration, for most of the day. It’s unacceptable to be so miserable at work you have to shut yourself in your office for fear that you’ll say the wrong thing to the wrong person. And I loose respect for my boss every day – all these little lies that she says – there is no reason to lie, not to me or anyone that you work with we are all grown ups and can handle the truth. There has always been too much work for me to do, but at least I’ve always had 40 hours to do it in and the option of OT, at this place it’s a 37.5 hour work week and no OT. So I’m at a disadvantage already loosing 2.5 hours a week to do my work and not having the option of OT to do it either. Not to mention the loss of OT has hurt my wallet too. I am even considering taking a pay cut just so I can be somewhere else and have peace of mind. I feel stuck, I cannot talk to K about any of this because she is a different person, she is not the approachable person she once was. I catch her lies all the time, little ones, big ones, really insignificant ones. I’m not sure who this person is and I am loosing respect for her daily. I am unsure where this is all going but I know that I do not want to be apart of it. So I keep asking for guidance and it is leading me away. Hopefully something will pan out.

On another note – school starts today, while I originally only was registered to take 3 classes, I signed on for a fourth. So I’m taking 12 hours, I’m a bit nervous because I’ve never done that before and it seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m SO ready to be finished with school!!!

Lastly – the half-marathon was on Sunday and I actually finished it. It only took me 311 or about 14.5 minute miles. Not the best times I’ve had…but it’s a start. I think this is the latest of my addictions!

Hopin' and wishin' and prayin'

Towards the end of last year (which, really I’m talking about less than one week ago) I was feeling very lost in life. Don’t get me wrong there are aspects of my life in which I never ponder over (my life with B, my family and friends) but work is another story. The move to the new firm really unnerved me, had me searching myself if this was a right fit for me. It was difficult to acclimate to a place with so many rules and regulations after having spent the last seven years at places where we could come and go as we pleased and were under a protected umbrella. This new firm was a lot of change, and there was no lag time, it was jump on or fall off. So, me feeling scared, like I may not make it here, I put myself out there (in the way of my resume) I met a few folks and got interviewed, and while it’s always good to dust of that jacket every once in a while. I fear I may have shot myself in the foot. The legal community is a small one, and I can tell someone all I want that I do not want my employer to know that I am looking, but that doesn’t mean they won’t ask a friend of a friend who knows that person.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a shift in things at the office. K simply stopped speaking with me, would pass by my office saying hello to everyone except me and when I would speak with her it was short. Granted, this was probably very much a two way street (I couldn’t understand how she could choose to move to a place such as this, so I was mad and hurt and scared and because of that, I believe I began to distance myself from her for fear that I may say something I’d regret) anyhow, there was a growing distance between us, personally and professionally. As I mentioned we were (are) barely speaking and last week I noticed she was no longer giving me work to do, in fact, she hadn’t given me work in almost 3 weeks. All the work that would normally go to me was going to T and C. I was a bit bothered by this and so I inquired about it. I asked whether or not I had done something to upset her or if my work product has suffered and there was an issue that she may want to discuss or if there was a shift in roles happening to please let me know so I am sure to follow the correct protocol. I mean given the fact that she wasn’t speaking with me AND I wasn’t getting any work form her I don’t feel that this was an out of line or out of the blue type of question, anyhow, she assured me that neither was the case and that was that. But still no work, I did some discussing with T and we are of the mindset that K knows that I met with a few folks and that perhaps she is protecting herself and her interests (as was I when I took a couple of meetings), but I feel on one hand that I’m being punished by K. And this coming from someone who has always told me that “business is business”, not to mention the fact that IF, IF I was to go I would NEVER leave her or the team in a bad way, I’d need a minimum of 3 weeks to ensure I had time with someone for proper training. So, I’m not sure what to make of all of these goings on at the office and because of that I have been so tired and sick even, not wanting to get out of bed to go to the office for fear of what may or may not occur that day.

So not wanting to start this year off like that, and given the fact that I asked her if there was an issue and was told no, I did something last night I hadn't done in years....I prayed. Prayed for guidance and direction in the new year, prayed for patience and acceptance of whatever may come. I must say that this morning I was less anxious about coming in to the office. And no, I am not saying that there is a direct correlation and should be attributed to some miracle of the divine, but I do feel that the approach of “Que Sera’ Sera’” is a very nice one to have. I will try to have this more in my every day life, I know it will be difficult as I am a control freak, especially when it comes to MY life.

Now there is the matter of the fact that I share MY life with someone, and that that person has HIS life. He is also dealing with some uneasiness at work, the big W may or may not be doing another restructuring of things and B may or may not have to re-interview for a job and he may or may not get that job and if he doesn’t he may or may not have a job and may or may not be pink slipped. Now, all of this leads me to the fact that poor B has not only this to deal with and think of constantly (because we all know how the rumor mill spins, most especially in a corporate setting) so it’s hard not to think of the worst case scenario (which for me is moving back in with my parents and having to keep the four dogs outside and for him is having to take a job he doesn’t want just so he has one). So, poor B has been shouldering this on his own, as have I….see I didn’t want to ask him about it because I didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already may or may not have been and he was all in his head about it….so tensions built and there was a much needed discussion, he didn’t want to worry me about it by talking about it and I didn’t want to worry him by talking about it, so it didn’t get talked about and we were both in our own heads worried about it. I am super blessed to have him in my life, let alone that I’m lucky enough to call him my husband.

So, here is to hope. Hoping that this year will be better than the last, that I will be a better person and that whatever happens really is for the best. Hoping that the memories made last year and that the memory of those lost do not fade away. Hope that I can relinquish some of the control I want to have over everything in my life and leave some of it to chance or fate or God…whatever it is that you believe in.